Lots of dates coming up in these next few days that will remind me of Kate(not that I dont already think about her 24/7!). Tomorrow will be 1yr since I found out I was pregnant with Kate, Saturday will be 1 month since she passed, and she wouldve been 4 months old on the 28th. Today has been 4 weeks since I held her and kissed her sweet little face. I cant believe shes been gone for that long already. In some ways I cant believe Im still standing. Its weird how you think you will feel before your child dies and what its really like. Most people say, I couldnt imagine or Id die...I was one of those people. Id give anything to be one of those people again. I wish I was the one just learning the lesson to hold my kids a little closer and to not take anything for granted. While my lesson includes that, it is so much more complicated. My relationship with God and faith has tested and I must admit, is still a work in progress. I feel like in ways I have had to think about my own mortality and can now say that in some ways, I am no longer afraid to die someday because I know there are things worse than death and my sweet girl will be there waiting for me. I know until that time comes, Kate will be watching over John, Jack and I. I also know that if we are blessed with another child in someway, she will play a part in that as well. I know that understanding what Kates lifes purpose truly was will take me a lifetime to learn. I was reflecting on the impact my dads passing 8 years ago had on my life and how in some ways, it prepared me for Kates. Bare with me while I explain...When my dad got sick I was working as a hair dresser and client liaison at Wigs 4 Kids. While there is no doubt the kids I worked with made me want to become a nurse, it was my dads illness and death that pushed me that direction. Soon after his death I went back to school for nursing. I was told given my grades from attending college in the past, Id never get in the nursing program(I didnt take school seriously my first time). I was determined to prove them wrong and become a nurse, so I worked really hard. I managed to get a 4.0 in the classes needed to apply and got in on the first try. I left Wigs 4 Kids and started working in patient registration at Beaumont. After a semester in the nursing program I took a slight pay cut and started working at RO Beaumont as a nursing assistance because I knew the experience was invaluable. I really wanted to work pediatric oncology so I applied for a position as a patient sitter at Childrens Hospital just to get my foot in the door. I didnt get that job, but was offered something better, a Student Nurse position in their float pool. This allowed me to work in the NICU at times and is what first made me consider something other than pediatric oncology. When the opportunity came up for the Critical Care internship at Beaumont, which included NICU, I jumped on the chance. I was the lucky one hired in NICU that round and started 2 days after graduation. It will be 4yrs in December since I started my nursing career in the NICU. Ive learned so much from my position in the NICU that helped me with Kate and I also believe I have learned so much from Kate that will help me be a better NICU RN. I honestly believe that my dad played a big role in getting me to where I am and that Kate is now his side kick and will be guiding me through this next part of the journey. Dont let what I just said fool you though, Im not always so optimistic about this all the time. There are definitely times I feel like God blessing me with a daughter and then taking her away so soon is just a cruel joke and that its incredibly unfair that I had to lose my dad and my daughter. I was cheated out of those special father- daughter moments, like him walking me down the aisle on my wedding day, and not to mention the countless projects around the house Id like to have him fix. Ive also been cheated out of all the mother-daughter moments I looked forward to with Kate. But I guess thats just how life is and I have to trust that something better is to come as the result of all of this(even if sometimes I feel like that is a load of crap).
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 13:51:27 +0000
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