Love Lives On Last weekend, I got the call I had been both waiting anxiously for and dreading at the same time....The furniture delivery guys were 10 minutes away from the house. Doesnt sound like a big deal, does it? Jillians dad (Mark) and I had made the decision to get new bedroom furniture early last year. (Our last new bedroom furniture was almost 30 years old!) We finally found something we both loved, but there was one problem. It wouldnt fit in our room...in fact; the only room it would fit in was Jillians room. We went back and forth on what to do. It took more than a year after Jillys death before we were able to go into her room for more than a few minutes and not get overwhelmed. Her things were left untouched...the sheets on the bed still holding her scent from the last time her head laid on those pillows. The one laundry basket of clothes she hadnt yet washed still sat at the bottom of her closet, her volunteer name tag hung on a ribbon from the ceiling fan just the way she left it. We just werent brave enough to tackle it. Last summer, a wonderful friend helped me unload the box from the funeral and put those treasured things in one central place; a personalized hope chest made especially for her at graduation. As I held each item to my cheek, where silent tears stayed in check, I replayed each of the memories associated with that object in my mind, and tried a million times to say goodbye. (I failed miserably at that!) Jilly rewarded my efforts with the discovery of a sketch she had done 3 years before her death which showed many specific things associated with the last day of her life. Her love lives on. It took several weeks before I could go into her room again, but at least we could start leaving her bedroom door open. We finally got brave enough to put her bed in another room when Erica came home. (I still havent washed the sheets though!) That left her room pretty much empty, except for the many pictures still on the walls of those who meant the most to her. They hung on the walls like echoes from the past, calling out the memories of wonderful times that brought her smiles. What should I do with them??? I would pick them up, smile, cry and put them back. I finally decided to keep a few, but give most of them back to the people she is in the pictures with, those that she loved so dearly...so that her love lives on. We ordered the bed last Thanksgiving, but kept it on layaway until June thinking surely by then, we would be ready. The odds and ends on her bookshelf were carefully gone through and sorted into boxes, which only left her closet to deal with. Just seeing her shirts on hangers, hung by color coding took my breath away. It doesnt sound like a hard task...just take them off the hangers and put them in boxes....but no one in the family was ready to do this yet. We would have to eventually though, especially since Mark and I had now decided that we would indeed move into her room when the new furniture arrived. I procrastinated....and waited some more for the right time. Then the call came. The furniture was on its way. June sure came quicker than I expected! I quickly hauled the remaining items to the guest bedroom where I hope to finish going through them. The clothes in her closet were sorted in order of favorites and the ones we love the most are carefully labeled and set aside. I have one large box of her clothes and shoes that we are not emotionally attached to... I hope her friends will come and sort through it, perhaps taking some things that meant something to them. (I found some crazy stuff, let me tell you!) She once again rewarded my efforts of trying to move forward in life by leaving me one single solitary quarter on the top shelf. It was the last thing in her closet...her blessing, her way of showing me that love lives on, and her stuff is just that....STUFF. It is not who she was, or is. With every shirt or pair of pants I put into the box, I did not say goodbye, but rather so long for now. They are still close by if I need them again. (And I am sure I will!) Perhaps the special ones will someday be made into a quilt that her future nieces and nephews can enjoy, or perhaps it will cover me with memories when I am old and gray, and needing a special warm reminder of my daughter who waits for me in Heaven. She lives on in a place where she no longer needs her things because in Heaven, she has all she needs...including us. (We are already there in her world, because Heaven has its own time zone!) She is closer than we can imagine, watching our lives unfold here while she waits for us to catch up. She still has her amazing crazy sense of humor. If we listen closely, we can still hear the echoes of her laughter. We arent moving on without her, we are instead moving forward with her memories instead of her physical body. Love lives on.... Forever and ever. Nothing can take away our memories. ps....The furniture is in the room, but we still havent moved in yet. Progress....slowly.
Posted on: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 22:42:23 +0000