Love is brutally unethical, selflessly selfish and purposely short sighted. These are the words I believed in until I fell in love a decade ago. Things I couldnt do and considered impossible became frequent and an everyday norm. I knew it would end one day because everything comes with an expiration date, I just didnt anticipate it would end this way. Our paths are different now but it still stings as if everything happened yesterday. Thats the thing about first love, it is never meant to make any sense yet it is the most clear perception youll have. Itll chase you among the foggy night lights and itll be the only remaining familiar feeling youll have when you lose your own self. It is an anchor but weightless. I dont so much care for things anymore as I used to but this is one thing and that is one person Ive always only cared for. Knowing this is frustrating at times since life often tends to throw the logicality and the question What does it matter? But it does to me, silently so. Ive tried to love the other afterwards but nothing felt familiar. Maybe that was the problem. I was trying to find something similar, I was trying to find love instead of living it. Maybe I am too picky by nature having the standards sit at a new peak designed by old love, but I can never just settle down. And what came afterwards felt more like settlement than anything. Shame because that second someone went through harsh lengths for my sake. Lying to the world is easy, but lying to self is not and I couldnt lie to myself in the end. I never shed my skin because I never had it to begin with, that old someone gave me hers. I was like an embryo who grew in her warmth. It makes me wonder if I was ever useful to her at all. I guess I might never know the answer now.
Posted on: Tue, 20 Jan 2015 06:26:21 +0000
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