Love is like the ocean. It can be tranquil and serene. But sometimes, the ocean rises up in the storm. The waves rise and crash, they jolt from side to side, testing the structure and integrity of the vessel. It tests our patience, our steadfastness, our strength, our determination to get through. And when we get through to the other side, when we make it through the storm, we find peace and tranquility once again. We have the choice to let the winds and the seas break our sails, crack the hulls that keep us from drowning, or we can take the blows, and survive. Just because we know that on the wide open seas of love and relationship we will encounter such storms does not mean that we don’t set out to sail. It does not mean that we give in half way there. It is about having the resolve in the first place to make it to our destination. My story is a lot like this. Unfortunately, with relationships, it takes two captains to sail the ship. One is simply not enough to take on the job meant for two. I fell in love, with the love of my life. My soulmate. It seemed like we had met before, we knew each other before, in another life. It was all so natural. The passion that I always had inside me, that laid dormant for so long, suddenly woke up. I loved her with all my being, with every bit of me, with ever atom that makes up this body, and with every bit of soul that was put in it. I asked her once, will you always be by my side, can I trust you? Do you take me as I am with no judgement? She said yes. I said ok, now I can fall. I can let go of all the fears and doubts that life puts in us. And I can finally fall. Feel free. When I looked into her eyes, I would lose myself completely. I would stare into them for a long time. And then I would say, “You are so beautiful. So beautiful.” She would laugh. And I would quote a line from one of my favorite songs, “Tu Hansa To Yeh Aalam Hansa Hai”. Everytime. Because each time I would be rendered speechless by her beauty as a woman and as a person. I was always careful to not hurt her. Because she had been hurt in the past. Making her laugh, making her smile was the only thing I lived for. Her laugh used to light up my world. It is what I lived for. She gave new meaning to my life. I once again had something to live for. I am not a religious man, I am spiritual. When I fell in love with her, when I realized what a beautiful relationship I had, I put my head down in front of God. I told him, God I don’t know if I am worthy of this beautiful gift that you have given me. But I see you in her. I see your love, your glory, your comfort in her. You have brought her to me at such a difficult point in my life. This must be your way of comforting me. Thank you for giving me from your endless bounty. I said Tawba for all the sins of my past, and vowed to never repeat them. I wanted to be worthy of this gift. And I wanted to treasure it, cherish it, for as long as I live. She had renewed my faith in God. She had made my faith so strong in Him, because I saw Him in her eyes, in her heart, in her love for me. I started carrying my prayer beads with me once again. And on each one, I have said a thousand times, Allhamdulillah. I thanked Him, for her. She became sacred to me. I didn’t just love her, I revered her. She became Holy to me. Let me tell you how. She was smoking a cigarette, and threw the butt on the floor. But I picked it up. If I could keep it with me, I would have. But I threw it in the trash, and said to her, “Please do not throw this on the ground. This has touched your lips. People will walk over it.” She was not only my love, she was my comfort. My comfort. Take a moment to think about what comfort means. It means that when I had nothing else left in this world, yet I still had her, I could sleep in peace, I could still smile, I would not feel burdened by the difficulties of this world. Sometimes, I would call her, and ask her to stay on the phone with me as I tried to fall asleep. So that in some way, she was with me, even if she was silent. I was so in love with her that it was difficult for me to describe with a simple ‘I love you’. I started to write. You. Only You. Just You. Forever. You. A long time ago, when she told me how she felt about me, I wrote this while I was talking to her. ‘Teach me how to love you, for I have never known love before Teach me how to love you, for it is beyond the mortal flesh and blood of this body Teach me how to love you, for it is beyond what this sinful soul has known Teach me how to love you, like you deserve to be loved For you deserve to be loved like the Gods of Olympus To be loved like Zeus loved Aphrodite To be loved like the oceans love the shore To be loved like stars love the heavens above Teach me how to love you, for I have never known love before.’ The words just seemed to come to me like divine revelations. She once told me, If you ever hurt me, I hope you never find someone to lay their head on your chest. I used to sing to her. To bring her comfort and to show her how much I loved her. My favorite song from childhood, Aitebar, was the first song I ever sang to her. This song has always been very deep and meaningful to me. It talks about Aitebar – Trust, Faith. Allow me to share a few words from it that truly reflected what my life was like at that time and how she changed it. Dhoop Mein Khara, Jal Raha Hoon Mein Saya Do Mujhe, Yeh Mera Junoon Yeh Meri Jalan, Hai Meri Saza Meri Yeh Thakan, Keh Rahi Hai Kia Suno To Sahee, Suno To Sahee Aitebar Bhi Aa Hi Jaye Ga Kia Hua Agar, Zindagi Zara Ulajh Si Gayee, Socho To Zara Jungalon Mein Bhi, Raaste To Hain Humein Bhi Koi, Mil Hi Jaye Ga Chalo to Sahee, Chalo to Sahee Aitebar Bhi Aahi Jaye Ga She was my Savior. When I held her hand in mine, I walked tall and proud. I felt so strong. Like I could conquer the world, if only she would be by my side. I wanted to take all her sorrows, all her grief, all her tears and put them in my eyes. I could take on the world for her. I would fight the heavens for her, as long as she would be by my side. I became, God-like in her presence. She was my everything. She is what is behind the philosophy of my new life: “I Still Want More…” that I have tattooed on my arm, forever. Because she made me WANT more from life instead of settling for mediocrity. She was my drive. She was my strength. She was my inspiration. I gave her respect. I gave her love. I gave her comfort. I loved her family like my own. They were my family too now. I cared for them, protected them, comforted them. I didn’t treat her like a princess. Oh no no. That is not what she deserved. I treated her like a Queen. Funny story: When our car would pull up, and security staff would open her door for her, I would tell her to please stay in the car and would tell the staff to never open her door again. Because I will. I would get out, walk to the other side, open her door, give her my hand and help her out. Not because she needed it. She is a very very strong woman. But because doing so would give me pleasure. But she never liked it she told me. She said I am a strong independent woman. Being strong and independent does not mean that you do not let the people you love treat you with respect, courtesy, chivalry and more. What did I do wrong? I would make her tea in the mornings. Not because she couldn’t, but because I wanted to. I would hold the door open for her, not because she couldn’t open it, but because I wanted to give her that respect. I promised her that I will give her the best birthday she has ever had. And so I took her to a beautiful place on the marina. Quiet. Serene. Time went by in conversation and she thought I had forgotten about her birthday at midnight. Little did she know that the whole staff was on alert And at midnight, they brought out a slice of the best strawberry cheesecake I have ever tasted. I asked her to make a wish and blow out the candle. I don’t know what she wished for but that look on her face: of surprise, of shock, of satisfaction was all I wanted to see. The night went on and we went home. This was the beginning of the best night of my life. All that I did for her, was to make her feel special. And making her feel special was the only thing I lived for. I gave her a piece of me. The piece that we all have within ourselves that makes us who we are as a person. It is the most vulnerable piece. It has no defense mechanism. Its state is equivalent to that of a new born child: pure, vulnerable to even the most slightest of things. Without that piece, I will survive, as a mortal. But I will not be able to live. The fire in me, that would drown out the sun would no longer burn. I would turn to ashes. I gave her that piece because I trusted her that much. Then, something changed. Something so beautiful and pure began to turn dark and ugly. Why? I don’t know. But she changed. She became more distant, did not have the time or maybe even the desire to talk to me. For that is all we ever have, words. Words of love, words of passion, words of comfort. What else do we have but that? The distance between us grew as I made futile efforts to connect with her, fight her for her time and affection. All I wanted was her. I began to feel that something within her has changed. Maybe she was scared. I don’t blame her keeping in mind her history. But she knows im different. And she knows I will not hurt her. I said “Forever”. That means through thick and thin, through the good and the bad times, when its easy and when its difficult. The funny thing is, that coincidentally, any time that she was facing a challenge, I would always happen to call. Always. And its happened too many times to chalk it up to coincidence. Maybe God was at work to make her understand that I will always be there to give her comfort even in her difficult times. Even though she was not there when I needed her, I never judged her. I figured she is busy with her responsibilities and commitments. That is what love is right? To not judge? Then, she left me. And when she left, she broke that piece of me that I had given to her. She broke me as a person. She broke me as a man. She was my family. Is this what family is? Is this what marriage is? Do we not even have a say in the decision making process after all that we do for a person? I have my flaws. I admit. I am a broken man. But I am not filled with malice or hate. I was working on my flaws. For her. She made me want to become a better person, a better man. My passion for her was pure. We all have experienced love at one point or another. But how many of us have experienced passion? My anger, my frustration, was nothing but a cry to her for her comfort. Why did she not understand this, I do not know. But when she left, she left me weak, broken, without life. My belief in God had become so strong because of her. I said to Him, “God, if you have brought me to this, you have to see me through this. You are the most Gracious, the most Merciful. And my faith in your glory, your beauty and your love has been renewed because you sent her to me at such a difficult time in my life. Please, do not disappoint your child. Do not hurt me. I can move heaven and earth as long as I have her by my side, but without her, I am weak, I am nothing. Because she was my everything.” Today, my entire belief system has been shattered to bits. The God that I believed in so strongly, does not exist for me anymore. I have worn a chain for 17 years in my life with an Ayat-ul-Kursi in it. It has been a symbol of my faith of my belief in God because in that chain I found comfort, peace and serenity. After 17 years, I have taken that chain off. I have broken the prayer beads I used to pray on to God to thank Him for her. I no longer believe in Him. The passion that burned within me, so strongly that you could feel the heat from my eyes, has died. The hand that held her hand so strongly, is now weak. I am shattered. I do not know how I will persevere. Then last night, as I was opening up to a friend about this, as I shed tears every time I said her name, as I bared my soul, I broke down completely. I went mute. And I could not feel a thing. It felt as if even the blood in my veins had stopped cold. Then these words from my friend warmed me up at least enough to be able to write about all this, as brief as it may have been: ‘It is you who never asks for anything With you I’ve learnt what passion is What love is What family is What suffering is’ And I opened my eyes as I cried those silent tears and thought to myself. I loved her, not for her, but for me, for the way she made me feel. And that will ALWAYS be inside me. I felt something so beautiful from within me and it will always stay within me. And it will come out again. Because that is me. That is who I am. I am passionate, I am loving, I am tender, and I am giving. So it doesn’t matter if she is with me any longer or not, even though I look for love and comfort from her, and her only. But if she has decided to no longer be by my side, I still have that strength that passion within me. She cannot take that away from me because that is who I am. And when the day comes that I find someone who will bring it out in me again, I will feel like that once again. I have not lost my passion, and my ability to love. She has. She lost the passion I gave her. She lost the love I gave her. I am sure that such strong feelings of mine have made her feel things she has never felt before. If she has chosen to walk away from it, then so be it. But I will always love her because I used to sign off my messages in the following way: Love. Always. This meant two things: That I sign of with all the love in my heart. And that I will always be there. I had disconnected myself from the world again. But the words of my friend have given me some strength. At least enough to TRY to return back to normalcy. And I am back again. I do not know why I have chosen to share this with all of you but if you have taken the time to read this, then take a few more moments and pray for me. Even though I no longer believe in Him, at least all of you do. So pray for me to whomsoever you shall pray to help me find my peace, my comfort again. Love. Always Baber
Posted on: Thu, 26 Sep 2013 06:41:59 +0000
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