Made So, By The Life You’ve Lived BJFerguson Often enough, I, quite unintentionally, find myself remembering the unabashed truth of who I am, and from whence I came. I wish I could say that it doesn’t matter, or that I have overcome so much, that yesterday seems hardly relevant, any longer, but that would be a lie….and I decided a long time ago, that I would never accept the false security of lying to myself. There’s simply too much trouble lurking, within the shadow of every lie uttered, especially the ones we tell ourselves; far more trouble than I want or need, in my life. And in my harshest moments, when memories come to call, tears will often break through, leaving me to scramble for the composure, I’d momentarily lost, knowing that hiding within, should I permit such, is a well-spring of sorrow, just waiting, poised to take over, once that solitary unbalanced moment reveals the crack in my ever-vigilant façade. Therefore, I have come to believe that though the life of a Realist may not always be easy, it has the amazing gift of, at least, being something upon which I can rely, in an otherwise shadowy world of simple and complicated lies, alike. I have no doubt that all human beings have these occasional moments when, for hardly any good reason, at all, they might slip and let down that all-important guard, exposing themselves to the memory of a long-since past, but horrifically ugly minute, among the millions of minutes, found within a life. Some minutes are Troll-like and bitterly angry, having spent most of their existence in the dank and dirty places, where no one cares to go, let alone, revisit. Other moments, however, are the usual sort of embarrassment and remorse of poor choices made, that soon enough, became cheap and tawdry, in evaluation, but no more so, than was expected, from the difficult process of growing up, while learning that to be human, is to, above all else, be imperfect. And so, in memory, at least, one can know both, revulsion, as well as appreciation, as the tape rolls, revealing who you’ve been, at any given moment. And I wonder how wise it is, knowing as I do, about the benefits of being honest with oneself, to disregard the ugly and regrettable past moments, which have helped to shape the who I’ve become, just as much as the glorious moments have. I wonder that to do so, might just be the biggest lie, of all, and therefore, the most egregious, in nature. I am aware of the fact that I am the sum-total of all my days, good, bad, and ugly; why then, would I hide from that particular truth, should it come a-calling? The simple and obvious answer is found in the sorrow lurking there, I believe…..simple and obvious, yes, but quite difficult to acknowledge, nonetheless……We, none of us, wish to be seen in the unflattering light of our own truth. For, found in that harsh and unflattering light, are the moments of self-failure, distrust, lofty expectations, and the hardships that almost did us in….all of which are our most formidable foes, at one point or another. But, also there, amid our ugliest moments and most profound failures, is the essence of our survival. For it is here, where we stumbled and fell, that our most valuable asset can be found….our courage. That which enabled us to rise again and carry on, that allowed us to move forward, from a past that had denied us any inkling of hope, is only found there, in our harshest moments. We need only to watch the tape for a moment more, to see our own fortitude reaching out of the muck and mire, grasping that better day, and pulling us toward it, to understand the importance of those less than lovely moments, in our past. Thus, I encourage you to embrace it all, every single ugly moment, laid bare, among your better memories. There may be tears, there may be difficulties, in facing what was once almost your ruin, but there will always be something wonderful that follows. How do I know? Because you are here, proof of survival…proof of triumph over adversity….proof of all your better moments that brought you out of the most unflattering light of an ugly truth. You are here….and you are as redoubtable as you are remarkable…..made so, by the life you’ve lived. And that makes this very moment, one of the millions of better moments, of your life.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 13:59:13 +0000
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