Making amends as best we can “The more ugly, older, more cantankerous, more ill and poorer I become, the more I try to make amends by making my colors more vibrant, more balanced and beaming.” – Vincent Van Gogh, Dutch painter, one of the greatest of the Post-Impressionists (1853-1890) When we make it to Step Nine of the Twelve Steps, it should be getting easy. At least, that’s what we may tell ourselves. On the contrary, for many in recovery, this step is often one of the hardest to complete. Let’s face it, we’ve got a whole inventory of bad behavior in our past and people we love that we’ve probably hurt very deeply. We may not even be ready to face our loved ones to make the necessary amends just yet. Whereas it would be easy to fall into despair over our lack of readiness to tackle the toughest amends we need to make, we shouldn’t allow that to hold us back. Recovery experts recommend an alternative. Instead of staying stuck on this step, start with something small that we can accomplish. Look over our inventory and choose a fairly safe individual, place, or institution with which to begin our amend-making process. Think about the different kinds of amends we might be able to make. Some will be direct amends, as in going up to someone and saying that we are sorry for all the wrong we have done that has caused them pain. But this type of direct amends won’t work with every person we have harmed. For some, the direct approach may be entirely the wrong way to go. We may be rebuffed, thrown out, forbidden to return. It may be too painful for the other party to accept our apology or they may not be in a position to hear it. They may be deceased, live in another city, state or country. We may be estranged from the person or family. Perhaps they now have a disease or dementia or are otherwise unable to receive our apology. Does this negate our need to make amends to this person or these individuals? No, it obviously does not. What it does mean, however, is that we have to find a substitute. We need to discover another avenue or means to make amends. This is a tough situation, no doubt about it. The best way to work on these really tough amends is to talk over possible solutions with our sponsor. Since this is such an important step in recovery, sponsors have a vital role to play in our being able to successfully navigate and complete the step. As for what we say when we do make direct amends, here the advice is also very clear. Don’t worry too much about knowing exactly what to say. We’ll get better at it as we go along. What does matter – and greatly – is that we are sincere in our desire to make amends. If we can’t do it directly, think of ways to make indirect amends. Write down what we want to say. Perform a good deed as way of making amends. Work through our list until we’ve made all our amends. Suppose we have done the best that we can in the way of direct amends and still have a long list of indirect amends that we need to tackle. After exhausting all the suggestions we’ve come up with in discussion with our sponsor, another approach is to live in accordance with this intent – to act each day to the best of our ability and according to our talents. Offer up our best work as a kind of atonement or amends to those whom we have harmed. Let’s take the example of work. While the person or persons to whom we need to make amends may have nothing to do with where we work, if we are not able to make direct amends to them, we can certainly tackle our jobs with renewed vigor. Focus our attention on doing the very best we can in all of our responsibilities. Make this a mental amends by offering it up as such. No, it may not feel as important or worthwhile as doing a direct amends, but it will serve the purpose just as well. There may well come a time when we will be able to offer direct amends to someone we were previously unable to. If we have already make indirect amends, should we still do so? That is entirely up to us. There cannot be any harm in doing so if we sincerely believe that it will not bring any further harm to the individual. We have to take clues from that person, for they will indicate their receptiveness to our words. It won’t be difficult to tell if they will allow us to express our amends. Maybe it will be received positively and maybe it won’t. Keep in mind that making amends doesn’t mean that the aggrieved party is necessarily going to forgive us. In fact, even if they don’t, we’ve made the attempt at amends. That is what counts. If they do forgive us, so much the better, but forgiveness on their part doesn’t negate the value of our going through this step and making the amends. In a way, making amends is for our benefit. It helps us get past all the wrongs that we have done. But also keep in mind that it doesn’t absolve us of the responsibility for our past actions. We own that, plain and simple. There is only one way to come back from the realization of what we have done that has brought so much pain to others. Outside of making amends, we need to fully and completely commit to living a life in recovery with as much honesty and clarity as possible. Each day is another opportunity for us to learn something new that will help us renew and recommit ourselves to this goal. Each new thing we learn helps us become stronger and more firmly grounded in recovery. In the end, making amends as best we can is the only way we can keep going and ultimately complete this vital step. And, we owe it to ourselves and to those we love and who care about us to do the very best we can with all our amends-making efforts. ~iPromises Jen
Posted on: Sat, 13 Jul 2013 18:57:17 +0000
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