Man it is a trip how life goes awry. How you have time to think at 3:30 a.m. i cant explain why but its been a long time since I really talked about my dad. I think it is hard to let go of the resentment and absolute pain. I dont think anyone ever accused my dad of being FATHER OF THE YEAR. Its really weird because talking to the wife its hard for her to understand. I am sure that this post will upset some folks but some things you have to do for yourself. This one ... This one is for me. My father was harsh and rather direct. In a lot of ways these traits run in a blood line with extremely short tempers. I follow these traits in many ways. Somewhere inside me I HAVE to believe that he didnt mean to be a shitty father. No person could mean .....that. The interesting part is the meaner he was the harder we tried to love him. My dad drank more than most counties combined. We normally served as the punching bags for everything that ever went wrong in his life. Its really stupid ..... how could achild chase this ..... love ? All I ever wanted growing up was to stand on my own 2 feet. I wanted to show everyone especially him that that I was going to be some despite the ridicules and daily beat downs. I mean we didnt get spankings we got ....beat down. So my whole life I have been trying to get something I can never have .... validation. Its funny because all I have done my whole life is fight. I think a lot of people dont get it. They cant. You will never understand until you walk in my shoes or the shoes of my brothers and sisters. I cant say I always like them or the choices that they make but I do respect them. People talk about hell or how tough their life is or .... was. I laugh inside. Not because it is funny in any way. But because our whole childhood was a horror film. However there were times that we had fun. There was some joy. The reason for this post is ..... ? I really dont know. I will give you that answer when I get it. Lol. If you have taken the time to read this whole deal well then you are probably important. This is not an attempt to get your sympathy. Those who know me know I am not looking for that. I dont need you to understand or feel bad just ...... listen. Dad (Donald R. Cagle Sr.) I hope that you have found peace in heaven. I hope that you are happy. I know that you check in on us from time to time. You have some grand kids that are beautiful and amazingly smart. I want you to know I am working on .... forgiveness. But loving you is something I have and will always do. I know its hard for you or other people to understand but you did teach me the most important lesson anyone has ever taught me ..... you taught me to be a better father, a better man , and a decent husband. This is something I intend to pass through to your grandchildren. I pray that I never fail at being the best father , the best husband Cindi Cagle could ever need. I do love you, I miss you and I wish we had time. But I will see you again one day.
Posted on: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 10:20:57 +0000
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