Man wey dey reason By Flow Episode 22 No Mama Calabar that day. We ate at home, so we werent hungry, or so i tot. No Ike Nwoke also. Were were full of strength, or so i tot. The work for that day was different. We were to clear the bushes that were grown around the partially erected building of the Filling Station to be. Madam Ifeoma ordered us to clear the bushy area because we would be casting the outside concrete soon. She agreed to pay us 2500naira each for the job, and she left to return later when we might had completed the job. So it was more of a collective task than an individual task. but na cheating oh, some people sabi clear grass pass some people na I tot. People like me were expert in clearing bushes, be it Field or Forest. Cutlass was a tool my right hand loved so much. I was an expert in the game. An expert because i grew up in a Barrack surrounded by bushes. Bush Clearing was what i started practising as young as age 10. As we continued clearing, i saw Brainbox was fumbling with his cutlass. Infact he was practically quarrelling with his cutlass. Like they say; bad workman always quarrels with his tool. He was indeed a bad workman. As we were half way through, suddenly, i saw something moved in the bush just close to me. I tot it was a snake, so i withdrew. I continued cutting, and it moved again, bringing out its ugly head. I instantly realized it was a snake. A huge green snake. make una come see snake oh i cried out. My fellow labourers came closer to see that the Snake had gone hiding. e don run i said. Before i finished saying that, it came out again. Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie ran away very fast stumbling in the process . I too ran, but not too far from sight. Brainbox was nowhere to be found, he had disappeared. I could recall he had told me he hated Snakes. But Man still stood there. He stood there speaking what sounded like Hausa. Was Hausa Language the Language of Snakes? So i tot. I came closer to hear it wasnt Hausa, it was an incantation. An incantation to tame the Snake. Man u get mind oh i said. He paid me no attention but continued his incantation. He even added dancing to it. The incantation continued for about 10minutes. And all of a sudden, the Snake came out of the bush and crawled to Mans leg. From Mans leg it advanced to his dick area. Was it heading to eat up Mans third leg? Or was it adding to Mans Legs to make him have Four legs? Man e go chop ur prick oh I said. Man paid me no attention but continued with incantation. Or was Man a Native doctor when he was in Sokoto? The snake came out from the belt area of his trouser and headed for his chest. Before i knew it, the Snake had twined Mans stomach and Man held it by the head with his left hand. The sight made huge goose pimples grew all over my body. Was i dreaming? make una come, e no go bite una Man said walking towards me. make i come wetin? i never wan die I said as i gathered momentum to run. As i placed my foot gear lever on gear 5 to take to my heels, something obstructed me and i fell to the ground. I tried picking myself up but couldnt. I managed to turn facing the skies. Man was getting close. He came even closer and said, Flow e no go bite you, i don tell am say make e no bite you. Man abeg, anything wey u want i go give you. Abeg no put that snake for my body, Abeg!! Abeg!! I pleaded. All to no avail. brahaanwawakamadamama!! was the only word my mouth found to pronounce as Man placed the Snake on me. True to his words, the Snake didnt bite me. Albeit as it moved round my lower abdomen it sent a sweet sensation to my brain. Strange world indeed, you would say. How would a human being God created tame an animal with incantation? The kind of friends i had were gradually scaring poo out of my ass. Since they say; show me your friends and i will tell you who you are. Man was my friend, so was i a Native Doctor? Soroagwa Place was the place to be. Man so you hold snake for your hand. U be babalawo oh Brainbox said. na ur Papa be babalawo Man responded. That thing wey i do na small thing, i fit chop razor blade and bottle Man added. u no fit abeg Brainbox said. ok make we set money, 2000naira, if i chop bottle and razor, u go give me 2000naira, but if i no chop am, i go give u 200naira, u gree? Man said. i gree, but u go chop am like as person dey chop food oh Brainbox said. no wahala Man agreed. I was beginning to be scared of Man. So he had this weird talent, and i never knew. A magician indeed. Infact as i stared at him, a Snake stared back at me. I was scared. In Yoruba Language Nkàn bé means strange things. Things were really strange. I know by now you would be asking what was the fate of the Snake. Well, Albeit the Snake was tamed, Man finally killed it. He killed the poor snake, and his reason was that the meat would be used to prepare Snake pepper soup. He said he loved snake pepper soup alot. I promised myself i wouldnt eat of it, or so i tot. We left Soroagwa canteen with two things in mind. One was for Man to perform the Magic of chewing the blade and broken bottle, another was for us to get home and prepare the Snake pepper soup for our munching pleasure. The later was what i wouldnt pertake of, even if i was under duress to do so, or so i tot. I had eaten Snake meat before but not a tamed Snake. Not a Snake that was tamed to death. I believed there was something fetish about it. Flow hold dis nylon make i go buy razor blade wey we go use do that thing Man said offering me the bag containing the dead Snake. hold that thing jor, i no fit hold that rubbish I cursed. He held it to Nkirus shop. Shortly, he came back with two brand new razor blades and an empty Coca Cola bottle. We met Snoop alone at home. I explained to Snoop the drama that was about unfolding, and he kept his fingers crossed. We all watched keenly as Man struck the Coca Cola bottle on the floor. Pieces of broken bottle scattered everywhere and Man gathered them together. He resumed his famous incantation, this time it sounded like Efik. He widely opened his eyes, with his eyeball bulging. He looked more like Awó. Awó in Ibo means Ópòló in Yoruba, which means Frog in English(i no know wetin e mean for Hausa oh). He also opened his mouth like a Frog. Suddenly he inserted the pieces of broken bottle into his mouth. And he started chewing. I waited to see blood gushing, i waited in vain. I caught cold instantly on hearing the sound his chewing made. I had seen such magic only on Tv. I was seeing it live and direct. He unwraped the two razor blade and resumed another round of incantation. This time it sounded like Chinese. It seemed to every task there was a particular incantation for it. Suddenly, he garnished the broken bottle he was chewing with the two razor blades and continued chewing. I almost peed on my pant. this boy na original babalawo oh, shey him go swallow am? I asked myself. i don swallow am He answered my question. where my money? Flow give me my money? Man suddenly said. I was with the bet, and since the did had been done, i gave him his 4000naira. He was worth it, even more. Brainboxs mouth was ajar, he was surprised at how Man munched and swollowed the bottle and blade, and he was also surprised at how he had lost 2000naira, little or nothing was left of his pay for that day. Was what just happened a talent or was it fetish? was what i asked myself. What would happen to Mans digestive system? was what i also asked myself. Man wey dey reason!! Snoop suddenly cheered. Man wey dey reason! Man wey dey reason!! we gave a roof raising cheer and a standing ovation to Man wey dey chop bottle. Legend has it that the bone of a Snake is poisonous and deadly. Yet the meat was very delicious. Legend also has it that Snake skin when dried and grinded would add a superb highness to Igboh. The mixture was an excellent elixir. An elixir i had tasted just once. And i promised not to taste again. Flow come follow me arrange the Snake na Man yelled from the kitchen. i no well I replied. Truely, i wasnt feeling fine, i had caught Parkinsons disease, not only because i withnessed a magic, but also because the fellow that performed the magic was my bosom friend. A friend that slept on the same bed with me, ate from the same plate with me, and even worked as a kponkponist with me. It was Mans turn to cook that day, so after he prepared the Snake pepper soup, he informed us he had seperated part of the meat he would add to the food he would cook later. It was time to eat the Snake pepper soup. I promised myself i wouldnt eat, but the Aroma made me thought twice. The thing sweet oh, Flow come taste am na Snoop said to me. I went to the Kitchen, took a spoon and joined them. It was indeed delicious. As i gulped the soup, i heard the worms in my stomach singing songs of praise. I was really famished. Man wetin we go chop dis night? I asked. na Egusi soup oh Man responded. Power was restored. Since our sound system was faulty, and our Dvd also was faulty, we had no choice but to watch NTA 9pm news on Tv, although the reception wasnt clear enough, we continued watching as the patriotic Nigerians we were. As we were watching a news report on the men in the red chambers Snoop said, guy, dem dis senators, dem be thief oh. na today you know? U no know say the money wey dem dey pay only one senator for Nigeria pass the money wey dem dey pay American president I informed. ehenn? If na like that, watch out for me for the next election, Brainbox for senate house, Mbaise for senate house Brainbox teased. na your type? Snoop said to him. We were still discussing politics when Baba jay walked in. Baba jay the dandiest. He had a very poor dress sense, i must say. Infact if there was Mr shabby pageant, Baba jay would sure emerge the winner. where u dey come from na? Snoop asked Baba jay. i dey come from church, weekly service Baba jay replied. u dey come from church, nahim ur cloth be like the cloth wey i dey use do kponkpon work, shey dog no bark for u for road? I dared not say that, unless i wanted the Opopo incident to repeat itself. wetin una dey cook? Baba jay asked. na Egusi soup, Egusi soup and chicken I told a lie. Chicken indeed, Snake chicken. una be correct guys Baba jay said. 25minutes later, Man dished out the food and we ate. My prayer was that none of us would manifest as a Snake that Night. The skies cried heavily on us the next morning. From morning up until about 5pm. So no Kpokponism. We stayed indoors chating. Chating with a friend, the bottle of dry gin Tega brought the previous night. guy A square go make sense for dis cold weather oh Man said. wetin be A square? i asked. I tot he would respond his usually way. A square na Akara and Akamu He replied. e go make sense na, make we go buy am, take money, buy plenty oh Tega offered Brainbox 1k. He offered Brainbox clean 1k. Tegas life style had changed lately, he was beginning to live Large. I assured myself i would find out why. I and someone hit the road to buy the A square. I and Brainbox of course. The perfect two. guy make ur head straight oh Brainbox said as we walked out of the compound. how my head go straight? My head round like ball na I foolishly replied because i didnt get his slangs. i say make ur head straight oh, na L102 we dey so oh He informed. Brainbox!! Always up to mischief. We were on an L102 mission and my looting brain had gone with the dry gin i drank. That wasnt the problem, the problem was that the person we were to cheat with L102 was very Observant and sharp. By name Mama Chigbo. Tupac where you dey come from with bag? I saw Tupac, i go do my business na Tupac replied and we shook hands. wetin be ur business sef? Brainbox inquired. my business na GL and CC, I dey market GL and CC Tupac replied. wetin be GL and CC? Brainbox asked. I interpreted in my mind that GL and CC could be a code name for Groundnut league and Concentrated corn. Maybe Tupac was a marketer of gùgúru àti èpá. In Yoruba language gùgúru àti èpà means Corn and Groundnut when fried together. how fine boy like u go dey market guguru and epa? Abi u no well? I almost said. GL and CC na type of necklace, if una come house i go show una, na dem full dis bag Tupac said and left. As I and Brainbox walked towards Mama Chigbo Akara joint, i wished we were walking one step forward and two steps backwards. because i was scared Mama Chigbo would get our L102 con. Why would i be scared, when i was with the most dangerous con artist in the world. Brainbox! Mama Chigbo we wan buy Akara Brainbox ordered as we got to Mama Chigbos joint. Akara how much? Mama Chigbo asked. Akara 500naira Brainbox replied. eeeeh! The Akara wey dey here no go reach 500naira oh, make una wait make i do more Mama Chigbo said. ok we go wait, we fit taste am? Brainbox asked wanting to take one Akara ball. we no dey gree people taste here oh Mama Chigbo bluntly said. no wahala Brainbox said and we sat on a bench waiting. As we were seated, Brainbox began humming softly. I listened attentively to hear he was humming a song by the gospel singer Don Moen titled God is Good. dis one wey u dey sing God is good? Abi L102 no go happen again? Abi u dey fear? I almost said. make una wait for me make i go house go bring beans wey i grind, e dey house, the one wey dey here don finish Mama Chigbo said and she hurried to her house which was just a stone throw. The coast was clear. War started. L102 war. Flow hold dis nylon Brainbox gave me the nylon bag we came with. As we were loading or rather looting the Akara into the nylon bag, a customer walked towards us. And we stopped abruptly, even before she came close. The customer came closer and i saw that her face was familiar. She was Florence. Florence the boutique owner. i want to buy Akara? She said. hello!! u remember me? I said offering her my hand for a hanshake. How foolish of me offering her a hand flooded with oil from the Akara we were stealing. She took a quick glimpse at my hand and smiled, refusing to stretch out her hand to join mine. yeah i remember you, you are......... Flowan She said. no Flowey I replied. who u dey form for, u remember my name jor, u just dey pretend, no be only Flowan, na Florida I almost said. We exchanged the usually pleasantaries and had a little chat. I told her why i havent called since the past one week was because my phone was stolen. And i took her number. where is Mama Chigbo? She asked me. ehnnn she went home to bring more grinded beans I replied. what is ur friend doing close to the Akara basket? She was reffering to Brainbox who was seated on the seat Mama Chigbo sat. he is watching over the Akara, Mama Chigbo instructed him to do so Lie number one. what of you, why is oil all over your hand? She was beginning to be too inquisitive for my liking. ehnnn, i was helping Mama Chigbo fry Akara before she left Lie number two. She fell for both lies. About 2minutes later, she said, i cant wait for her any longer, i will come back later. And she left. I thanked my stars she never saw us stealing the Akara balls. She was only suspicious. About 30minutes later, Mama Chigbo came. Brainbox already hid the Akara we stole somewhere in the bush. Mama Chigbo stared at her Akara basket with suspicion written all over her face because the Akara she met was about half of what she left, so she asked, anybody come buy Akara as i comot?. nobody come oh We chorused. Yet she was still suspicious. I was praying for God to come save the day. God of Looting, if there was any such God. Mama Chigbo, we no go fit wait again, give us all the Akara wey dey the basket make we dey go Brainy Brainbox save the day. She sold what was left of the Akara to us at 200naira, albeit reluctantly. And we left. Brainbox secretly went to the busy to collect the Akara he hid. On our way home, i reminded Brainbox that we had forgotten to buy Akamu at Mama Chigbos place. He smiled and said, Akamu dey here na, i thief Akamu join. Wow! I never saw him stole Akamu. Was he a magician also. I was dazzled at Brainboxs looting skills. He was Numero uno in looting. Such skills i had never seen in the past, and i was sure i would never see in the future. Like he was humming earlier, God is Good. Of course, God is really good. The Looting God. Next day, we were getting set for work, Man, wetin we go work today sef? Brainbox asked. when we reach site you go know I responded on Mans behalf. We got to Mama Calabar canteen. Mama Calabar give me rice and beans, with two meat Man ordered. bring the same thing for me I also ordered. bring the same thing for me but no put meat, doctor say make i no dey chop meat Brainbox the miser said. Miser could be interpreted in pidgin English to mean Money miss road. True talk, any money that found its way to Brainbox wallet had really missed way. Mama Calabar, dis meat don spoil oh Man complained as he munched the huge chunk of meat he was served. na true oh I said. e no spoil, naso Ibo Kpormor dey taste Mama Calabar informed. A customer that sat close to me also complained. Kpormor means Cow hide in English. Legend has it that Kpormor has no nutritional value. Even at that, Kpormor was still my favourite, any time! any day! But what i had never tasted before was Ibo Kpormor. To the best of my knowledge, Kpormor was Yoruba by origin. Was Mama Calabar the inventor of Ibo Kporkpor? Or was she just trying to cover up her lapses? Were the questions i asked myself as i continued chewing the spoilt meat or rather Ibo Kpormor. What i never knew was that the Ibo Kpormor would bring disaster in vivo in the nearest future. We left Mama Calabar canteen and we got to the site in no time. Madam Ifeoma was already there, likewise Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo. The Jeans mini Skirt Madam Ifeoma wore could be named Kùsà dé bàrki. In Hausa Language, Kùsà dé bàrki literary means Close to the mouth. Madam Ifeomas Skirt was really close to the mouth. It was really close to her poolsize honey well. If Madam Ifeomas poolsize honey well were to be a mouth, then it was the widest mouth in planet earth, i must say. She told us we would start casting the outside floor of the Filling Station to be. That was the most difficult Rice and beans work in the doctrine of Kponkpon. She also told us that if we knew it would be very difficult for us to finish the casting within days, she could hire more labourers. Man told her not to bother, that we would finish the work perfectly even if it took us several days or weeks. Like the pidgin English adage goes: chop alone and die alone. We wanted to chop alone. My prayer was that we wouldnt die alone mixing rice and beans that day. The ratio was; One bag of cement is to Eleven head pans of sand is to Twelve head pans of huge gravel. My problem was neither the cement nor the sand, my problem was the gravel. They were mighty gravel. Since the size of the gravel was bigger than the size of a conventional gravel, the price of mixing and pouring a bag was increased to 800naira. A handsome pay, if i must say. We started work. Man was mixing by my left, Brainbox was mixing by my right. Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie were to dress the work, that was the agreement. I wished i drank Tea IN before the work started. To finish mixing and pouring a bag was a herculean task. A serious task. A killing task. An hour later, and i was still on my first bag, so were my friends. Suddenly, I saw Man staring at Madam Ifeomas Television size ass. He was staring and at the same time mixing rice and beans. I too was staring but i wasnt mixing. All of a sudden, i felt something hite my left leg. It was Mans shovel. He had injured me. aaaaaaaah!!! i cried. Blood came gushing out of my leg forming a mighty ocean. aaaaaaaaaah! Man because u dey look big Ikebe, u don wound me I cried. It seemed Madam Ifeoma heard what i said. What i said made Brainbox laughed, and surprisingly Madam Ifeoma laughed also. To be continued
Posted on: Wed, 26 Nov 2014 11:27:55 +0000