Many years ago I was a broken girl with three young children aged 3, 4, and 5. I was struggling on every front as my family and church deserted me because they chose to shun me for opting to divorce my first husband. I will not get into the breaking point of a marriage in which I was no saint, but there was one. When I walked away, I beat myself up more than any other person could. I knew I was broken. I didn’t see my worth in my own eyes let alone another person’s eyes. During a very brief window, a young airmen walked into my swimming pool. I was not interested in dating or in him, yet he saw something in me. He pursued me and asked me out 19 times before I said yes. We eloped four months later and we shared 23 years of marriage before he was assassinated. While we had periods in our marriage where our relationship felt tenuous, we stood on our faith, our commitment, and our shared belief that we were better together than apart. When Phil died, I broke in unimaginable ways. I had no place to call home because I had considered home wherever Phil was. My children were all grown up. I couldn’t deal with my grief publicly, thus I ran away from my dream job. On 24 June 2011, I broke to the extent that I lost all hope. Phil’s autopsy pictures and report had come in the mail. I had requested those things, but I thought I would read the report, that the report would match what had been said to me to that point, and that worked until the words didn’t match what information had been relayed to me. I looked at the pictures naively believing that I could deal with the awful images. While I can usually view the horrific photos and be fine a few minutes later, in reality that was my Phil. Broken horribly. I broke and crawled into bed and wrapped myself in the covers. I wept gut wrenching sobs that are hard for me to even think about now. I remember the groans of my heart as I wondered why my Phil and why not me. What happened next is the very reason that I can take risks and chances and why breaking up with the first person I let in since Phil died is not going to destroy or maim my spirit. I felt what felt like an electric shock throughout my body. An image flashed across my heart and mind of me with a tall man standing in front of an altar. I could not see who it was and I was terrified. I denied what was happening and I sobbed on. Again the electric jot happened—stronger than before and with the same image. I was terrified. I jumped out of bed, and fell in the blankets. As I lay on the floor weeping, I looked up. There was the first double rainbow I had ever seen in entirety. That very event is what I consider to be God’s promise to me for a Chapter 2. I believe that there will be a person that I am better with than apart and that I will be able to love in a fully different way between the holes of my heart. I am a different person now because I have had to change. I finally felt ready to take a risk with my heart and I felt deeply for this individual, but brokenness can come in manners differently than unexpected death. The relationship ended yesterday. While it was my choice, it hurts because I gave my heart, but as I stand a little shaky today, I am thankful. I am thankful for the lessons I learned long ago and through the loss of my Phil, my dreams, my life as I knew it. First, I learned way back when that I am a woman worth taking a risk on and that with the right person, I am a loyal committed woman who stands strong and is stronger because of a shared love and commitment to faith. True friendship, vulnerability, and transparency all play into what I value in a relationship. I need love built on solid ground versus shifting sands. If a person has to be convinced to stay with me or to want to be with me, then I am not the girl for him. I am active and I am a strong woman of faith. Additionally, I live a very committed and public life in terms of talking about my military family, resilience, faith, and military loss impact. I want someone who will support me and love me as I will them. Today, my heart hurt, but I stood strong knowing that I am worth it and that God has me even here. There are just too many events for me to go into detail with, but I believe that there will be someone who is happy to be with me and whose eyes will light up when I walk into the room. I want that; I know it is coming. I wait.
Posted on: Thu, 26 Sep 2013 22:38:20 +0000
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