March 30, 2014 Positive Christianity Ministries presents...Positive Daily Inspiration Sunday Funnies (Submitted with our great thanks) Every day I will bless you. Psalm 145:2 POSITIVE DAILY INSPIRATION TELEVISION CHANNEL youtube/PositiveChristianity Prayer Need? Simply reply with your prayer request. Positive Christianity will begin praying with you daily, for an entire month. A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Your Humble Client _______ NINE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE: 1. Going to church doesnt make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 2. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 3. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 4. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 5. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 6. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 7. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 8. Junk is something youve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake. God bless you for your donations – Online donations positivechristianity.org/donation.htm Donations by mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, Texas 77380 POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER: Dear God, how loving You are to not only give me an endless, internal source of joy but also to provide me with laughter as a way of expressing it. May my laughter be a key that unlocks joy within me and sends a current of energy rushing through me. I pray that whenever my energy level is at its lowest I have a hearty laugh come through me as an instant boost to my stamina. I pray the gladness rises within me and relaxes all my muscles along the way, relieving any tension. I pray that laughter is the joy of Spirit tickling my soul, and the energy of Spirit healing my body. I pray in the slightest of smiles, and the greatest of laughs, I experience the Spirit of God surging through me in a rush of gladness and thanksgiving. In Jesus Christs name… Amen POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: With the Spirit of God in me, I am free to do my best. POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction. March Madness MAJOR SALE ON CRUISE - $254! $97 donation starts the movement towards this positive experience for you and your family. CLICK HERE: positivechristianity.org/donation.htm We will email you your booking code, approving you to place a deposit on your cabin. Look at our cruise page for FULL information and color pictures. positivechristianity.org/retreats.htm POSITIVE PRAYER TELEVISION CHANNEL youtube/prayerAmerica POSITIVE CHURCH TELEVISION CHANNEL youtube/PositiveChurch PositiveChristianity.org - Subscribe for free easily on our homepage SPIRITUALLY SERVING since 1999 – The worldwide PRAYER PLACE inside the Internet, serving a million people every day. Welcoming all faiths, excluding no one. Reaching the ends of the earth with the positive message of God. We do not build buildings – We build people! Not connected to any church, Positive Christianity is a Prayer Ministry without walls, physical or denominational, that the world can instantly access and use without cost. Positive Christianity Ministries Box 7993 Woodlands, Texas 77380 God bless you, Make it a GREAT day!_______Christopher Ian Chenoweth
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 12:26:34 +0000
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