Mary Novella *With Rhage still out on patrol I begin to clean the room for such a small space we certainly know how to mess it up. Picking up all the towlels, pants, tops and underwear I walk into the closet where we have the shoot to the basement. Singing along to the song I have playing on my Ipod I throw down the towels and tops then empty the pockets of all the junk we tend to keep in them. Throwing them down the shoot to the basement spin around and do a dramatic dance which has me losing my footing and fall on the floor. That’s when I spot it, a photo. Reaching I see it’s a photo of Steven from the fourth of July pick nick we had last year. Smiling to myself remembering that day, it was special because Steven and Rhage finally got close enough for Steven to ask to spend time with him, explaining to Rhage about autism really did seem to help. With the knock at the door I snap out of it and open to see a doggen with my dry cleaning* thank you* taking it and changing into clothes for work I spot the time and realize I am soooooooooo running late. *Entering the building then the “classroom” when I remembered I didn’t send Rhage a txt message, pulling out my phone while sitting at my desk I shoot him a message hoping he sees it before he goes to bed ::txt:: sleep well baby when I come home you are going to have one hot night with your human toy here. Sweet dreams baby I love you::sends the text just as a baby is brought into the room crying and screaming like her life depended on a hug or something* what the hell is this?* running over to the lady entering the building, she looks like she is about to burst into flames herself * s s s s s sorry n e e e e ed hhhhelp* she passes out onto the floor, catching the baby before she drops it my jaw drops and I am sooo confused* HELP someone HELP. *The baby looks into my eyes and continues crying, rubbing the pad of the baby finger along her lips she opens allowing me to slip my finger in her mouth to suck on. Eventually her tiny fingers wrap around my finger holding on tightly with her sharp nails digging into my skin. The rest of the day I am carrying this child while her mother is being looked after. Its then that my heart breaks when I realize her mother isn’t going to be ok, she has died and left her child in my care. Oh hell what will I do. Sitting up in bed I look over to see Rhage sleeping, looking at my fingers I see no markings, taking out my phone there are no messages. Good it was a dream, only my heart can’t take it did I dream this because I want a child? No I don’t want a child I can’t have a child and I made peace with this years ago. Trying to get back to sleep is just no good, I wrap a robe around my body and head downstairs into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water then enter into the living room where I sit and try to watch something on the television* Rhage Tohrture Novella *i roll over in the bed and reach out to bring Mary closer to me but all I feel are sheets. They are cool so I know she hasnt been in the bed for some time. I get up to go search for her. I find her in the living room watching tv.* baby why are you out of bed? Mary Novella *Hearing his footsteps come down the stairs, i know them anywhere, i pull my legs closer to my body shaking with the fear of my dream* bad dream I am sorry i didnt mean to wake you Rhage Tohrture Novella *sitting down next to her I pull her in my arms* what was the dream about? Mary Novella *should i tell him, knowing this could bring about tension in the relationship and house* babies • Rhage Tohrture Novella *I stiffen when I hear her whisper babies, this is a touchy subject with her and I.* what about them? Mary Novella *Shifting my body further away from his, i find myself curled up into a ball. I dont like it when i retreat into myself, we have come a long way since those first days. However we have to take the good with the bad right.* When i was cleaning our room i saw you still had a photo of Steven in your pocket, then there are the emotions i feel at work * my head lowers* and lately i have been having the same dream over and over about a baby Rhage Tohrture Novella *it takes all I have to keep still and not let the panic show on my face, I love hanging out with Steven and he is important to me, but I like knowing I can have fun with him for short times.* what are the dreams baby? * I want to be supportive here cause I know she needs me! but I have to fight my bodies flight instinct! I dont move any closer to her but I let my finger run across her arm so that she knows Im still here Mary Novella *my eyes divert to the television screen showing some commercial for something we dont really need* just that a baby is brought to me, mother dies and i have to adopt or take care of it* rubs my face with my palms* not entirely sure i just feel like now is the time to have children, i see how you are with Steven and Nalla you love them Rhage* at this point i am not sure if i am talking to him or just voicing my opinion* everyone is having babies, everyone has that bundle of joy to embrace and protect • Rhage Tohrture Novella *Taking a deep breath cause I do love Steven and my niece. They mean a lot to me and I would do anything to protect them.* I do love them baby, they are amazing and I would do everything in my power to keep them safe, but I like at the end of the day, its just you and me, Im not ready to give you up. I want you all to myself for awhile longer Mary Novella And of course it helps you that the Scibe Virgin is not able to cure me right* oh the look i shot at him nothing but accusing and anger. I had accepted I would never be able to have children of my own, having him to myself so we can frolic like teenagers has always been enough for me, these kids and dreams entering our lives.... I dont know am i being selfish?* Rhage Tohrture Novella *when she throws hat in my face it pisses me off* how could you say that Mary Novella, I have always been devastated that we will never share that with each other. I have always felt that we have lost one of the most important things in our lives because of that.* I stand up and my my hair so frustrated. There will always be a whole that In our lives that be filled. I will never be able to see my beautiful shellan round with our child, or have a baby girl that looks just like Mary. This is something I have come to terms with but sometimes its still hard • • Mary Novella Dont yell at me Rhage* i ask this not because he doesnt have a right, but because if he becomes too emotional the beast will awaken and then we will all be in hell. I know the beast loves me but in this situation i have no idea how he will react and if i can even calm him* you should have let me die* turning away from him wishing i had died, this is torture for me, maybe i should just move out for a while until my emotions are back as he expects them to be. He deserves children hanging off his legs, playing with him where when he looks down at them his heart bursts with love knowing they are his* Rhage Tohrture Novella *i let out a loud roar when she tells me that I should have let her die. That is unthinkable to me and to have her say that breaks me in half. I just look at her for a long time, unable to speak for fear I will say something wrong.* I need to leave, I dont know when I will be back* I turn around and walk out Mary Novella *Watching him leave my heart breaks, i know i just did the unforgiveable but it is how i feel right now. I need to find Bella Novella and talk to her*
Posted on: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 16:10:07 +0000