May 20, 2014 I havent posted about George Ishu in 5 days. George is doing wonderfully. He is excelling rapidly in his recovery and is scheduled to come home a week from tomorrow. The reason for my absence is the fact that this weekend was a tough one. Both George and I are facing the anger and depression that I knew would inevitably hit us at some point. For the majority of this tragedy George was either unconscious or sedated. It is not until recently that he is becoming fully aware of his situation and the new reality that we both live in. George doesnt remember being in the ICU for 11 days clinging for his life. He doesnt remember being totally paralyzed on his right side or being able to mutter nothing more than ya. Ive witnessed his amazing progress each day and marvel at how quickly he is returning to the healthy, active man he once was. Unfortunately, George doesnt see this progress and is left to only focus on his weaknesses. His boredom sets in on the weekends cause there is no therapy and he has nothing to do but sit and watch television all day. When I went to see him this weekend he was cold and indifferent. He told me he was bored and I offered up several suggestions, including going outside for some fresh air and he quickly snapped no to all of my suggestions. I knew this day would come and quite honestly I cant believe it hasnt come sooner. I could see George slipping into a phase of depression and his spirit being eclipsed by the darkness thats been lurking in this tragedy all along. George reached his breaking point this weekend and I happened to be the one with him when it happened. I have always said that passion works in both directions. You cant have passion of love without also having the passion of fighting, hopefully with less of the latter. Relationships are never perfect and like all normal couples we have fights. Its rare for George and I, but when we do it is equally as passionate as our love for one another. George began to unleash all of his pent up anger. He yelled and screamed. He claimed that I didnt understand what it was like to be stuck in a hospital all the time. He was angry at me because I didnt have to experience the inability to use my body. He told me I was selfish for wanting to go out with friends on Saturday night and that he would never do that to me. He told me he didnt need my help anymore and that he would go live with his mother and I need not bother coming back to see him. It hurt so much. I sat and listened to George unload all the feelings that he needed to deal with. I calmly explained to him that, while I wasnt dealing with any physical setbacks, I was indeed dealing with the mental and emotional aspects of this situation. I told him that each of our struggles were valid and justified but one was not better or worse than the others. George asked me to leave and I did. I came home and broke down. Even with all the understanding that George was taking this out on me because I am the closest person to him and not because I did anything wrong, I still questioned myself. I confided in 2 very important people in my life and they both reassured me what I already knew. This was just another stage that would inevitably be reached and we needed to face it head on and continue forward. I went to the hospital the next morning in an effort to reconcile and let George come to terms with his anger. George sobbed and started screaming its not fair into his pillow that he held with his left fist clenched. He screamed that this shouldnt have happened to us, that it stole a part of our lives, that he was so young and healthy and that things now were going to be different. He sobbed and sobbed and I did as well. As the wave of catharses began to settle George looked me in the eyes and told me he was sorry. He told me he loved me and that he hadnt meant the things he had said the day prior and he admitted to being unfair. I told him that I was proud of him for finally coming to terms with his emotions and that it was completely normal to feel angry and depressed but we couldnt let these overcome us and deter us from the true goal of all of this, his complete and full recovery. The glimmer of hope had now returned to Georges eyes and I could see him focused and anxious for his Monday morning therapies. I tried to make light of the weekends events by pointing out that I was able to understand everything George was saying to me and we had a completely distinguishable conversation, even if it was in the form of yelling. We talked about how close his discharge date was, how excited he was to come home and see the dogs, how determined he was to be beach ready again by next summer and he even told me to go out and have some fun with our friends this Memorial Day weekend. I knew this journey would have bumps along the way. However, knowing about and dealing with are two very different things. We dealt with some darkness this past weekend but we have conquered those demons and continue on, full speed ahead.
Posted on: Tue, 20 May 2014 14:31:28 +0000
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