May and Mothers Day. Mothers Day 2010 the last Mothers day my mum and I spent with my sister, she was allowed to leave the hospital to spend mothers day with her family. We had lunch at St Johns Park Panthers club, she was so sick that she could barely stay awake and everybody was looking at her like she was on the nod not understanding that this was possibly the last outing shed ever have. My gift from her was a card and some scratchies, it was all she could buy from the hospital newsagent, one was a winner, and Ive still got it in my wallet because I cant find it in myself to cash it in. May 2010, Lani and I spent each evening at the hospital spending the last of what we knew to be the little time left to spent with her. Lani, the first grandchild for our family, her Tias princess and they shared a special bond when she was so young. May 2010, Lanis year 10 half yearly exams....her mind was not on studies. May 2010, Elijah turned 11 years old, I was hoping that she wouldnt pass away on his birthday. He had a cake and family visit him at home, he was also sick with Asthma. May 26th 2010, the last time she felt any pain, I held her as she cramped and screamed in pain to put an end to it all. We called the school and told them that her son had to come and have his last conversation with his mum and we had the same conversation with our kids. My parents sat and watched the world spin around in front of them, the little family that I had were there with us. My parents, her son, Eli, my kids, Suzann and then Kristy. It was just me and mum there when it happened, we laid in the hospital bed me and my mum because she was finally free of pain and resting and then she was gone. 4 years later and I can still smell that room and still feel her skin like it was only yesterday. I can still feel the rain drops as I ran outside while my parents were saying their last goodbyes, I was running to Eli and Kristy, wailing with tears because of the shock of what was happening. I did not want to leave her room, leave her all alone in a hospital room because she always hated hospitals, but we had to go, I wanted to tell her that I loved her but I couldnt speak the words, I coughed and coughed with that anxious cough I get when I cant deal with reality. The remainder of May was spent crying, crippled with grief and not able to leave bed for a day or 2 and then we began planning the rest of the things that needed to be done. May 28th, 12 years since Eli and I had met. Mothers Day - I am thankful that I am a mother to 3 awesome individuals, I am glad they were chosen for me. yes they exhaust me, they challenge me, they anger me at times, but they are mine and they are the reflections, reminders and products of our household, environment and family. We originally wanted more kids, we wanted a big family, but real life showed us that it wasnt fair to keep on having kids when we had to focus on the individual needs of the 3 that we were given. As much as I work towards pointing my life in a new direction I know that I still have a lot of pain and grief to work through. My parenting style always has room for improvement and through some of the obstacles in life I know that I have been an absent parent at times, but it doesnt mean that Ive loved them any less. Since May 2010, I have tried to move forward and take everyday as a new day and I work towards the goals of making a difference in the lives of others as my testament to my sister and her life that was cut short. Ive been asked many a time why I advocate so strongly in the cause that I do, and one day you will hear of that story word for word, but for now know that I do it because life I have seen does deteriorate for those who are victimised by others and do not have the strength and perseverance to not give up. Its so cliche to say that every day should feel like mothers day, and I wish I felt that way on the days where one refuses to go to school, or the other keeps me up all night with asthma or since the eldest turned 18 and I choose to stay up all night until she walks through the front door. I dont ask for gifts on Mothers day, I dont want them, it is nice to be thought of and remembered, but I do believe as my own get older that this should come naturally and not just on one day of the year. When the kids were little I used to say to Eli, when is it my turn as a mum to rest and be appreciated, and now so many years later I bet hes grateful that I no longer feel that way. I dont feel like Im being selfish, and I hope my family dont either, but this year as the kids are older and its obvious that the grief I am experiencing is still apparent, I feel that I need to be with the one woman that was and is always there to support my family and I. I cant imagine that it would ever be easy for a parent to outlive their child, so on a day where my nephew does not need constant reminders that he is without a mother I will be spending the day with my mum as a reminder to her of how much I appreciate having her in my life and I know while well eat, share laughs and enjoy each others company I know that shell be thinking of my sister too. So on that note, this mothers day Im spending it doing a few different things that are special to me. We will start the day off by going to church, the 5 of us. As baby christians we do not force our kids to attend church, this is our journey and wed like for them to attend when they are ready if that day ever comes, but its up to them, for mothers day Ive asked them to come as a family and they are, and Lanis invited my mum to come also (which I thought was very nice). The kids and Eli will then go and visit their Nanna Toga and family to spend some time with them while me and mum go catch a movie and share a meal, then when they are ready we will go and have dinner together as a family to finish off the day. I appreciate that my kids get to spend this day with all the important women in their lives and I hope that the extended family appreciate why I have chosen to spend this mothers day doing what Im doing. As the years go by, I expect that the thoughts of my sister and her loss will always be there but I know my way of thinking and dealing with the grief will change. I have grown as a mother a daughter and an individual because of the past 4 years and what they have taught me. I like the person I am growing to be and I am grateful for the journey I am on. I know that some dont agree with my path and some of the choices I make, but what I choose is between my partner, my kids, my parents and my maker. Life has become what I make it, and I like the direction its going in. Its always a challenge, nothing comes easy and theres a lot of work to do, but soon enough May will be over and then we have to tackle June, July and all the other months til May comes around again. To my real friends, which are far and few, to my sister in laws and extended family, may youre Mothers day be all that you wish and may you spend it with the ones that you love and cherish, and to all others reading this, Happy Mothers day x
Posted on: Sat, 10 May 2014 04:25:04 +0000
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