Meditation on Loneliness My son recently shared a link about how social media is aggravating rather than alleviating loneliness, and that got me thinking (always a dangerous thing). Loneliness and I used to have a pretty good co-dependant relationship. As a kid, I was sensitive, shy and small for my age, very bookish, not very good at sports, and had difficulty making friends. I discovered that people had a tendency to lie to one another for benevolent reasons, but also treated popularity as a kind of game where you would trash someone in order to gain the favor of another person. As I grew older, I began to realize that my view of reality was very different from other peoples views in some fairly obvious ways, but in other ways I was a walking stereotype for the status quo, which turned out to be a volatile mix. Im pretty sure that there is a physical basis for my divergent views: I had a very mild and untreated astigmatism as a child (diagnosed on one of the very few times my mother could afford to take the kids to the eye doctor) and my last eye exam indicates that I am just a few short steps from legally blind, so I literally view the world through a warped lens. My buddy the astigmatism may also have had something to do with the migraines I began to develop during adolescence and which would plague be even to this day. Add this to what would now probably be diagnosed as some form of social anxiety disorder (it is very difficult for me to think clearly when surrounded by a lot of unfamiliar folk, especially if Im expected to use complete sentences or similar outrageous things) and you have the perfect environment for a loner. I got used to being alone. I could only rarely share my thoughts and feelings with folk, so I expressed them through music and writing. Every time I encountered social approval, I found that it came with a price: expectations of certain behaviors, and I was unwilling to participate in such games. Books and games became my friends. I didnt realize it at the time, but I was fairly well cut off from other humans. I had no interest in sports, or cars. I had a strong interest in girls but lacked both the courage and skill to communicate this interest. I wound up running the concession stand at my high school prom, and was quite frankly flummoxed as to what to do with myself after graduating. I didnt have what I would call many friends in high school: I could probably count them on one hand. I had people whom I was benevolently disposed toward, and people who provided me with more or less aggravation and annoyance. Fortunately, events in my life forced me to break down the walls I had so patiently and deliberately constructed between myself and others. I have a small group of friends, but now these are not just people Im kindly disposed toward, but people with which I share things -- thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. Major credit for this breakthrough goes to my beloved and beautiful Michele, who always seems to find the best in me, but it also goes to just about everyone I encountered after my mothers death. It is a matter of bitter irony for me that it took the death of the person whom (up to the point where I met my wife) I regarded as my first, best, and truest friend to shock me out of the pit I had dug for myself, lined with concrete, and guarded with a veritable fortress of locks and bars. Nothing teaches the value of friendship like the loss of a true friend. But this is about loneliness, so well let grief lie for a time. I am accustomed to and not overly disturbed by being alone -- though I have also grown VERY accustomed to the presence of both my Michele and my son Rowan, because I love them and like them and think they are the best thing since the secret of fluffy 100% whole wheat bread (which Im still working on unlocking). But these days, Im not opposed to the occasional visits of friends both old and new. I wasnt always this way, because loneliness can be a trap. If you dont have friends, you make them up. If you are like me, then the characters in books become your friends -- you share their joys and sorrows, their triumphs and tragedies. Book friends are far more intimate than most other friends because you can hear their thoughts and know how they feel. And they never play games with you, or turn you away for another friend. They are predictable and comfortable, and are at your disposal 24/7. Ive noticed that some folk treat their Facebook friends like book friends -- like they actually know them from the content of their posts and that such entities are there entirely for their convenience. Ive also seen people unfriend others over truly ridiculous things like differences in opinion. I have been appalled at the abusive content in posts from supposed friends. But mostly, Facebook fills me with an eerie sense of familiarity and bitter nostalgia -- sitting in the woods, alone, reading. I like it when my friends disagree with me. I find it challenging, and I always manage to learn from such exchanges. More often than not, I learn something new. As often as not, I turn out to be wrong (or at least woefully misinformed) in my opinion. Thats cool. It means Im not done yet -- more to learn. But I do try to couch my arguments in a polite form, relying on sarcasm (wish there was a font) and half-witticism to carry me through. But I also remain confounded that people treat friendship as such a cheap commodity, and to be discarded over something as a simple as a difference of opinion. Loneliness can be a terrible thing, but it can also be a surprisingly comfortable thing, especially when one does not really understand the value of a good friend. I have some really good friends: smart friends and dedicated friends who have the courage to tell me when Im being an idiot and to grab me by my shirt-tail when Im about to go over the edge. Friends who have seen me through my darkest days and stood by me in some of my most stressful and unpleasant situations. They may not have agreed with me, they may have even told me I was wrong, but they were there to keep the pieces from falling apart. And I value this more than anything because I know what it means to be utterly and helplessly alone, to think with calm clarity that maybe it would be better to eat a barrel or take the plunge than suffer through another day of loneliness and misery. Humans need humans. I know this VERY well. So before you hit that unfriend button, take a second to think. Heres a sad story for ya: one of my most vivid memories of childhood is walking back from the store in early morning (thats right kids, we WALKED to the store, and carried big clubs to fend of the occasional T-Rex). While I was walking along, thinking kid thoughts and humming kid songs, I saw a woman approaching. She wasnt just crying -- she was weeping. If youve ever seen it, you know what Im talking about: not wailing, not beating your breast, but crying so hard that you have difficulty walking straight. She was so miserable, and so alone, that I just wanted to go to her, and hug her, and tell her that everything would be OK. But I didnt. I did what I reckon a lot of folks do when confronted by such a situation. I stood and watched as she went by. I doubt she saw me. The kicker? About ten years later, I was the one walking and weeping, shrouded in a grief so great and filled with such loneliness I would have gladly died if it meant that the pain would stop. And there was nobody to hug me or tell me everything was going to be OK. I hope none of you have felt this way. Words are insufficient to convey how badly this sucks. But ever since then, when I encounter a person filled with grief, I take a step forward out of my armor and tell them it will be OK. Because sometimes this very simple phrase, It will be OK is all it takes to let someone who feels alone know that they are not alone, that someone else knows that they are here and is willing to stand with em for a bit and will even give em a hug if thats what they need.Or maybe just listen -- sometimes all you have to do is just listen. You dont even need to understand, or approve, or whatever. Just listening is enough. From the moment we are separated from our mothers womb, we walk this earth alone. And in the end, we die alone. But we have been granted, by nature or god or whatever, the ability to communicate, to touch, and (for most of us) to empathize. We have been granted the gift of being able to connect. Technology has expanded on this, and to my way of thinking underscored how desperately lonely many people feel: why else would they spend so much time texting and tweeting and posting to Facebook? Be kind to your friends, but be honest. And remember: it will be OK. And heres a hug for you if ya need it
Posted on: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 23:49:28 +0000
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