Megabytes and Matrimony “It’s a mouse,” I said. “Where?” asked mum, looking down and rapidly pulling her legs up off the floor in alarm. “That thing in your right hand”, I explained, trying to contain a fit of the giggles. “It doesn’t look much like a mouse to me, Pauline,” mum said, looking a bit bewildered as she cautiously returned her feet to the floor. “Well, it doesn’t have fur or eat cheese,” I conceded, “but it has the same basic shape and even has a sort of tail,” I explained, pointing to the grey lead that connected it to the side of the laptop. “It’s a computer mouse. And look, it moves if you push or pull it. See?” As I placed my hand over hers, guiding her hesitant movements of the mouse around its mat while I pointed out the simultaneously shifting position of the cursor on the screen, I wasn’t entirely sure if mum saw or not. But at least I’d finally managed to get her sat here at the kitchen table with me, attempting to learn the rudiments of computing and the internet. But after just a few minutes of knitted brows, she relinquished her grip on the mouse and picked up the steaming cup of tea I’d placed beside her on the table. “You know,” she said, sipping gingerly, “I don’t know if I’m going to like this.” “Yes you will, mum,” I promised her. “Once you get some practice in. It’s only a question of -” “No, I mean this tea, dear. What is it?” “Oh. Sorry. Have I given you Earl Whatsit by mistake? Shall I make you something else?” I offered. “Thank you, dear. A cup of the usual will be fine,” she said. “And a custard cream would be nice, too.” I moved across to the kettle to make her a fresh cuppa and grab her favourite biscuits from the cupboard, and with my back now temporarily turned on her, I could hear my mum humming cheerfully over the unmistakable tap-tapping sound of the computer’s keyboard. But when I turned round once more, she was staring at a blank screen, a forlorn expression on her face. “Oh dear,” she said, as I set the fresh tea and biscuits down on the table. “I appear to have broken it!” “No you haven’t, mum. You’ve managed to switch it off, is all,” I assured her, pressing the power button again. As the screen came back to life, she pointed to the bottom left at the word “start”. “That’s it,” she said. “I was playing with the mouse thingy down there when the computer went dead. It says “start”, but all it did was stop.” She bit into a biscuit and looked aggrieved. “I’m not stupid,” she added. Crumbs from her biscuit fell onto the keyboard, lodging in the spaces between the keys. In that way she has, she then immediately changed the subject. “It’s about time you found a husband, dear,” she said, as I picked up the laptop and turned it upside down in an endeavour to dislodge the biscuit crumbs. “What?” I said, taken aback. “A husband. You’ve been single far too long. You need to settle down. Stability. Ooh, mind the crumbs dear,” she added, brushing falling fragments of custard cream from her skirt. “Sorted”, I announced. “What. You’ve already found a potential husband?” she asked, her face beginning to split into a wide grin. “No, the laptop. No more crumbs. They can ruin it, if left,” I said. Her grin faded. “Oh, I thought…” “We know what thought did, mother,” I said. “Now, why don’t you finish your tea and we’ll try again with the computer? I’ll show you how to use the internet.” “I’ll probably type something wrong and end up starting World War Three,” she said. “No you won’t. Trust me, the internet’s as easy as Shepherd’s Pie,” I told her. It had all started a few weeks earlier when mum, attempting to demonstrate her knowledge of modern technology, had heard my sister’s mobile beep, and proudly pronounced she’d received a fax. “A text message, mum”, I’d corrected. Then the following day, when we’d walked past an internet café, mum had remarked how many people there were online checking their text messages. “Their emails, mum”, I’d gently corrected. Mum, who insisted to all and sundry that she had her finger on the pulse when it came to technology, but who, in the opinion of most, had removed it about the time rotary phones had gone out of fashion, was doing her utmost to vex me… TO BE CONTINUED
Posted on: Sat, 02 Aug 2014 14:16:36 +0000
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