Mikeys Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart: agathongroup/ todaysFUNNY=========================== PATERNAL PROCLAMATIONS By W. Bruce Cameron Long ago, I hit upon the inspired idea of issuing formal Paternal Proclamations on matters of particular importance to my family, which are to be treated with the same reverence and obedience as an edict from the king. (My children refer to my decrees as Dads Demented Demands.) I usually announce these mandates at the dinner table, followed by a formal posting to the refrigerator, which is so littered with papers and photographs it looks like a collage. Being a benevolent dictator, I allow a period for public comment following a dinnertime Paternal Proclamation, though once it has been affixed to the refrigerator with a magnet it becomes the Law of the House, Forevermore. I, Wise and Wonderful Father: Children, I have a Paternal Proclamation. Please stop eating for a moment and pay rapt and worshipful attention. Children: (Groan) I, Wise Father: It has come to my attention that all of you are, on occasion, leaving a good quarter of an inch of milk in the bottoms of your glasses. Since milk is an expensive commodity, and we do not yet own a cow, you are forevermore required to finish your milk at every meal. Any public comments before this goes on the refrigerator? Son: If were throwing up, do we have to finish our milk? I, Wise Father: No. If you are throwing up, you do not have to finish your milk. Son: What if the dog licked it, would I still have to drink it? I, Wise Father: How would that happen? My son proceeds to show me how, in the course of taking a drink of milk, he might be seized with muscle spasms, which fling him from his chair, causing him to fall to the floor and to thrust his cup out in front of him. Our canine springs forward to assist in the demonstration, burying its nose in the glass. I shake my head. I, Wise Father: I really dont think thats going to happen. Son: Well how about if theres a fire and you tell everyone to get out of the house, should I stay and finish my milk even if it means I will be incarcerated? Daughter: I think you mean incinerated. Son: What? I, Wise Father: No, if theres a fire, you dont have to finish your milk. Daughter: Incinerated means burned up. Incarcerated means being arrested. Son: Thats what I meant. Daughter: What do you mean, thats what you meant? Son: I meant what if I was arrested. Daughter: No, you didnt! You said if the house was on fire! Son: Well, what if I started the fire, wouldnt I be arrested? Daughter: You never said you started the fire! Son: Dad, if I were arrested for starting the fire, would I still have to finish my milk? Daughter: This is so stupid. I, Wise Father: Well, yes, if you were arrested, you would still have to finish your milk. Son: Thats not fair! Daughter: It does seem like if you were arrested you shouldnt have to finish your milk. I, Wise Father: How does that make any sense? Daughter: I told you this was stupid. Son: What if the only way to put out the fire was to pour milk on it, wouldnt you be glad then? I, Wise Father: Glad about what? Daughter: What you should do is a Demented about stupid conversations. I, Wise Father: Stop calling them that; theyre Proclamations. Son: What if were out of milk? Can we drink root beer? I, Wise Father: What? Daughter: Hey, hes kicking me under the table! Son: Youre nothing but a big baby. I, Wise Father: Stop kicking your sister. Daughter: Hes kicking me! (Stands up, knocking over her milk glass.) I, Wise Father: Hey! Son: (After studying the white stain.) Dad? What if we spill our milk, do we have to drink it then? Thus ends the period of public comment, and in due course the Proclamation is pressed to the layered surface of the refrigerator, held in place by a magnet with sufficient strength to penetrate two years worth of elementary school art and a photograph of me that my children improved by adding a mustache and a tattoo of a fish on my forehead. So from now on, the Cameron children must finish their milk. Well, unless theres a fire. ----------------- From The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter: wbrucecameron/ Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. Bruces latest books are the New York Times best-selling novel A Dogs Purpose: amazon/exec/obidos/ASIN/0765326264/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20 And A Dogs Journey: amazon/exec/obidos/ASIN/0765330539/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20 He is also the author of these recommended books: 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter: amazon/exec/obidos/ASIN/0761126333/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20 8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter: And Other Reasonable Advice from the Father of the Bride (Not that Anyone is Paying Attention): amazon/exec/obidos/ASIN/1416558918/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20 How to Remodel a Man: Tips and Techniques on Accomplishing Something You Know Is Impossible but Want to Try Anyway: amazon/exec/obidos/ASIN/031233317X/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20 todaysTHOT============================ A rumor without a leg to stand on will manage to get around some other way. ======================================= PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if youre REAL nice, youll tell them where you got it! mikeysFunnies =============================== MIKEYS FUNNIES is a clean humor email list, sent every weekday and is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart: agathongroup/ We sent you this recurring mailing because you either directly subscribed to the list, signed up on our website, or emailed a request to be subscribed to Mikeys Funnies. We DO NOT rent, sell, or share your email address with any company, organization or individual, sacred or secular. And, subscribing will not result in more spam. 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Posted on: Thu, 15 Jan 2015 00:50:16 +0000
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