Mom, does blue cheese give gas? I was awakened at 5:00am this morning due to an intense pain in my back. At first I thought it was just systematic inner clock telling me its time to go to work. But I realized after laying there a bit squirming around on account of the discomfort from my back hurting. Not the kind of hurt like ouch, but the kind that brings forth a continual groan fallowed by moans. I kept noticing that every time I would toss looking for comfort a strange rolling in my stomach would catch my attention. After having my focus on my back pain disrupted by a feeling of a mole tunneling from one side of my stomach, kicking my ribs then passing by my bladder to arrive on the other side I decided to get up. I havent had back pain like this before. If felt like someone having 50 rubber bands and pulling them apart until max distance was obtained. OH! HOLD ON! ILL BE RIGHT BACK!! Ok, where was I? Oh yea, so I walked around the house a bit appearing to have kyphosis, or in my own words stomback pain. Thats a cross between not knowing whether I should lean forward to calm the stomach cramps or stand up straight in hopes of easing the pressure from my back. To my surprise, a person doused in enough pain can actually do both. After mumbling a good morning to my wife in passing I attempted to lay in the floor and stretch like I was warming up for a ball game but the thunderstorm in my lower stomach deterred me. OH! HOLD ON! ILL BE RIGHT BACK!! Sheww. Anyway, my wife after starring at me for a bit asked if I was ok. I tried to reassure her I was fine as I gently sat in my chair. She continued to look at me while sipping her morning cup of coffee. Im sure my facial expressions were drawing her gaze. Maybe the sight of my mouth opened, top teeth fully exposed as if I was in a full smile and my eye brows all the way down may have puzzled her. Anyway, I wasnt in the mood to be starred at so I got up. After walking it off and taking ibuprofen I returned to my chair. It was about then I felt a rolling movement making its way towards the exit so I gently leaned over to one side and a tiny little poof exited. It was to small for relieve but it gave hope for a brighter today. The smell from such a small puff was atrocious. It lingered at a low altitude for quiet a while. Thoughts of mold kept coming to me. My wife still sipping her coffee responds to my daughters yell of whats that smell!! It was about then I sensed a similar rolling making its way towards the exit so I gently leaned leaned to one side and attempted to speed up the process by giving a little push. Im not not sure what happened! But suddenly a feeling of a silk handkerchief made its presence aware. I quickly attempted to shut the exit but something was terribly wrong. I jumped to my feet temporarily forgetting about all the back pain and headed towards the furthest and most private bathroom in the house. My attempts to keep the exit door closed while on my journey to the bathroom was difficult. The exit door muscles were no longer operational so I had to use the emergency protocol by squeezing both cheeks together with all my might while running. This makes it very difficult to run. When I approached the porcelain thrown I pulled the tie string on my pajama bottoms and a huge knot appeared. Due to time being of the essence I pulled the string as hard as I could in hopes the knot would somehow disappear. It didnt! Now on my tiptoes running in place I start inching the tightened drawstringed pants over my puckered in hindend. Before theyre even in proper position I begin my descent. Unable to share the details of the next few moments is mandatory. But I was in a full body sweat. My facial expressions still unchanged due to the thoughts of is this really happening? Since I was in such a hurry I didnt take the time to close the bathroom door all the way. Our dachshund dog decided to push open the door to check in on me. As he peered around the corner he yelped, turned and ran out. It might have been the the smell. It sorta resembled ammonia, turpentine and rotten cheese. However, after repeated trips to the bathroom this morning, not only is the thunderous rumbling in my stomach easing up but my back is feeling better to. I have placed caution tape across the bathroom door in hopes of preserving some dignity with my family. Thank you for the lovely trip to the Golden Corral Steak House last night. So as to answer my own question about the blue cheese. YES!
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 18:36:46 +0000
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