Monday was a pretty awesome day. Went to my second birthy gathering in MD. This one a rally and was pleased to meet a lot of student nurses. Got a flat and was able to find three different people willing to drop their lives for a bit and help us. I popped Glorias top by myself, a first, and just talked to people for two hours. One of the greatest practices of joy Occupy taught me. Kyle And his friend came down. Driving back, Kyle talked about his trip to the Eastern Shore, his new personal relationship with chiggers and I told him about how awesome hanging out in Baltimore was, that flat tires were an adventure again, not a trauma, and that we are growing into a warm, loving community here. Its happening here, for both of us. And the setbacks are not flat tires or stolen wallets, but when we dont trust, forget that Life is Now, not something to build down the road. Yesterday and today I am having some setbacks in my physical body. Its the first time in about two weeks. Ive been working with my docs intensely to get a handle on the physical problems my post cancer body just has, so I can participate in life out of my apartment. When my body is having a weak spell, I get so frustrated that forward motion has stopped that I get locked in my thoughts of I have to fix this to move forward. I forget that i cant fix time, which is really what Im wanting, for Now to not be Now. And this fuels the post cancer anxiety, which is close to being resolved, but churns out a flood of guilt when I am late on or unable to deliver on a commitment or cant physically show up. Cancer laid me low and showed me who I AM and I had to live that to not go crazy. It continues to humble me daily, to my knees on days like this when I lose track that the Car and the Road, the Weather, are not in fact, the Journey- The Adventure. And this is my practice of not identifying with my Body as Self, this post. It is recognizing Adventue and progress that is getting more frequent. It is not wanting to push time, rather accepting that Now and all that is in it, is Gods Schedule and Agenda. There are gifts for me in it even if its not what The Body wants. I just have to chose to live by the Clock of Now. I pray to be Open when my body challenges me and to keep honoring the steps forward. Love with so much gracious humility the Teachers of Love surrounding and supporting me as I heal in my cancer post partum
Posted on: Wed, 03 Sep 2014 20:42:54 +0000
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