Monty Python Scripts Dead Bedroom Tax The cast: MR. PRALINE John Cleese SHOP OWNER Michael Palin The sketch: A customer enters a pet shop. Mr. Praline: Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.) Mr. Praline: Ello, Miss? Owner: What do you mean miss? Mr. Praline: (pause)Im sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! Owner: Were closin for lunch. Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Bedroom Tax that was administered not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Spare Room Subsidy.Whats,uh...Whats wrong with it? Mr. Praline: Ill tell you whats wrong with it, my lad. Es dead, thats whats wrong with it! Owner: No, no, es uh,...hes resting. Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead tax when I see one, and Im looking at one right now. Owner: No no hes not dead, hes, hes restin! Remarkable thing, the spare room subsidy, idnit, ay? Beautiful plumage! Mr. Praline: The plumage dont enter into it. Its stone dead. Owner: Nononono, no, no! Es resting! Mr. Praline: All right then, if hes restin, Ill wake him up! (shouting at the cage) Ello, Mister Bedroom Tax! Ive got a lovely fresh disabled pleb for you if you show... (owner hits the cage) Owner: There, he moved! Mr. Praline: No, he didnt, that was you hitting the cage! Owner: I never!! Mr. Praline: Yes, you did! Owner: I never, never did anything... Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ELLO SUBSIDY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine oclock alarm call! (Takes tax out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Mr. Praline: Now thats what I call a dead tax. Owner: No, no.....No, es stunned! Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!? Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin up! Spare Room Subsidys stun easily, major. Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, Ive definitely ad enough of this. That tax is definitely deceased, and when you issued it not alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk. Owner: Well, hes...hes, ah...probably pining for Mrs Thatcher. Mr. Praline: PININ for Thatcher?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fail to recognise a spare room the moment I got im home? Owner: The Spare Room Subsidy prefers keepin its decisions woolly! Remarkable piece of legislation, idnit, squire? Keeps the poor, well poorer! Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that tax when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause) Owner: Well, ocourse it was nailed there! If I hadnt nailed it down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent em apart with its beak, and VOOM! A VICTORY FOR THE POOR! Mr. Praline: VOOM?!? Mate, this vile tax wouldnt voom if you put four million volts through it! Es bleedin demised! Owner: No no! Es pining! Mr. Praline: Es not pinin! Es passed on! This Bedroom Tax is no more! He has ceased to be! Es expired and gone to meet is maker! Es a stiff! Bereft of life, e rests in peace! If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies! Is metabolic processes are now istory! Es off the twig! Es kicked the bucket, es shuffled off is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-TAX!!
Posted on: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 22:59:43 +0000
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