Morning December 22nd, 2014 The weather here is overcast, grey, and humid. It isn’t helping my mood. Of course there are places in this country that the weather we are seeing is the norm this kind of year. Part of what has kept me afloat is that I will not allow myself to feel isolated by emotions. Emotions are the hardest part of this new journey. I can think about everything that has happened and is happening now and make good decisions most of the time. When I feel what has happened, that is a different kind of problem to deal with. I am doing a lot to handle losing Kendra. Obvious in all of this is this journal or log or whatever one wants to call it. It is my way of talking to someone even if I am not one on one in a physical sense. I read a large number of articles, studies, you name it to help me keep my feelings of loss in perspective. I have developed through therapy, reading, and conversation with others, strategies I fall back on when needed. When a flashback erupts or I get into a rut of sorrow or mourning I depend on action, changing my environment, changing what I am doing, leaning on God and on verses that help me to change the situation. I cry. I allow myself to cry. I cannot emphasize how much I fought crying. Crying was not something I did from a long time back. If I cried in the past, it meant I failed, or that I had not controlled myself in certain situations. When I cry now it allows me to physically let go of suffering, let go of the horror of memories, to let go of the helplessness that encompassed me in Birmingham. Crying happens, I do not decide to cry, and I do not look for reasons to cry. Crying is the result of emotions and thoughts that provoke great sentiments in me. I still try not to cry in groups of people, I am embarrassed by how the crying looks and there is not a thing I can do to explain why I was crying. Besides, I am tired of trying to explain myself to myself. In some ways I want Christmas to hurry up and be done. Every time I drive somewhere, walk somewhere, go anywhere, the lights are blinking, and the trees are bright with colors. The television is constantly advertising everything from wrapping paper to toys to chocolate. All the old movies are on that normally I would enjoy because they almost all end with a good message or a miracle. The fact is there is not going to be a good ending here this year. I am reminded that while I will build new memories, those memories will not include my daughter, my only child. I actually believe at times that sleeping is the best answer to Christmas Day. However, while these kinds of thoughts are flying around in my head and the melancholy that comes with thinking like that is real; I also know there is more to Christmas than my family and my heart’s sorrow. Christ was born and no matter how much I sometimes feel abandoned, I am not alone. I have the knowledge and the promise that this child born in a stable, hidden from vengeful authorities and occupying armies changed the way this world thinks. 24 And the Lords servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. 25 Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 I have come to the humble conclusion that part of writing this new journey down has lifted a message to many people of many persuasions and ideas. If this has touched one person that did not believe in the promise of Christ, then losing Kendra has not been a total mystery. If it has helped one person find a way to make it through a day, then I am learning to put my faith where it belongs, out in front of me and not hidden inside me. Words written here have almost always been unplanned and hopefully true and not a lie that dishonors God. I want Christmas to be a good day, a day of remembrance for Christ and the deliverance brought to me and every person that believes. This I do in remembrance of you Christ. I will remember you Kendra until my last breath. These are hard days, I don’t always think clearly, I don’t hear anyone real well right now and God forgive me if I don’t write your message as you give it to me. Amen and peace through our good Lord. Dad
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 11:59:00 +0000
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