Most of these are so very true (well, except the beer, it was a soda, no cussing, and a few things like that) CONFESSIONS OF A VERY HUMAN MIDWIFE Now and then, someone will call me, asking if I will drive five hours in the winter to deliver their baby, or whether I could attend their birth for free, or if I would send money to some orphanage in Uganda. “After all, you ARE a midwife”. That’s right. I’m a midwife. I’m not Mother Theresa! I think it’s important for folks to understand that midwives are just people. We fart sometimes. We cuss. We pay mortgages and grocery bills. We get sick once in a while. We are mortal. In an effort to help people fully grasp the concept that midwives have neither halo nor wings, I’ve decided to disclose the following confessions. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TO ALL THE MOTHERS WHOSE BIRTHS I’VE ATTENDED: ~ I confess that there have been many nights, when I’ve prayed that you would not go into labor until morning. ~ I confess that I wanted to kill your sweet fuzzy kitty cat, when she climbed into your bed minutes after you gave birth. ~ I confess that I stole a few sterile gloves from your leftover birth kit. You weren’t going to use them, were you? ~ I confess that I was jealous of your pregnant beauty, years after I stopped having my own babies. ~ I confess sneaking out to your back yard in the dark - to pee - because you only have one bathroom, and you were laboring endlessly in that big bath tub of yours. ~ I confess that I was terrified when you bled too much. ~ I confess that I selfishly enjoyed every minute of your transition into motherhood. It was an inspiring sight to behold. TO ALL THE FATHERS WHOSE SONS AND DAUGHTERS I’VE DELIVERED: ~ I confess that I threw my cell phone across the room, when you texted me that your wife’s water had broken. Texting? Are you kidding me? ~ I confess that I considered slashing your tires, when you chose to go hunting instead of attending the childbirth class. ~ I confess that I took a cold beer from that refrigerator in your garage. Shoot. Baby was born, momma was ok, and it was a really hot day. ~ I confess envying your family, for living in the beautiful home you provided. ~ I confess wishing for a marriage like the one you and your wife are blessed with. AND TO ALL THE BABIES I HAVE WELCOMED INTO THE WORLD: ~ I confess that I was upset with your timing. Did you have to show up on the same day as my son’s graduation? ~ I confess thinking that you were the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Nice to know that your face finally straightened out. ~ I confess that I got mad when you pooped meconium all over my new boots. ~ I confess that I thought … for only a few seconds … that you weren’t going to make it. Thanks for deciding to breathe. ~ I confess my jealousy of you, growing up in such a fine family. Not all of us have it so easy. ~ And I confess that I took enormous pleasure in witnessing your entrance into the world. I hope that’s ok. I knew you had come to do something wonderful. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So the point is this: Midwives are normal, regular, every-day people. We have no magical powers. We just do what we do. We share all the same personal and environmental challenges that everyone else in our community deals with. If you think about it, you will realize that this is what makes hiring a midwife an attractive option! Please don’t ask us to be super-human or saintly. And please don’t assume that we have bottomless bank accounts to support the impoverished masses. We know the richness of friendship and family, not the richness of exotic cruises or Lamborghini’s. We find satisfaction in “making do”, improvising with common household items, rather than high-tech medical equipment. Our normal-ness is why folks seek us out. Get it? We live like you do. We shop at garage sales, and clip coupons. We raise our own families, who have all the same problems that your families have. We try to understand spiritual things, but fall short. We are not guru’s or goddesses. Don’t put us on such pedestals. We are just people, trying to find our own paths, and to live life as best we can. Between babies, that is. by Pat Schwaiger, RN, CPM, owner of Mountain Midwives, Billings, MT
Posted on: Tue, 05 Nov 2013 18:09:52 +0000