Most of us have two (or more) faces we show to people. I have two very distinctive personalities (*not* a personality disorder). I have a dark side (moody, frustrated, depressive, fatalistic, and fragile to the point of needing constant rescuing -- someone often needs to dive into the deep end and save me from myself). I also have a remarkably calm, confident, rational, professional, fiercely independent and determined side. Lately, Ive been doing way better. I hang out with people who are healthy influences, and have been focusing on myself (while trying to become less self focused, though please excuse the absurdity of saying such a thing in a post with all these I, me, my this and thats - yes, just slightly bordering on self indulgent social media hilarity. Tonight, I collapsed from running on way too little sleep, all while (externally) putting on a show for everyone (appearances are often quite deceiving). Someone sat at the foot of my bed for a couple hours (as I was experiencing suicidal ideation -- out of the blue, and for no reason beyond possible nervousness and aforementioned sleep deprivation). I tried to use analogies and metaphors for what it felt like. One was about feeling defeated at times, and as though the good side of my persona was being brutally aborted (killed off by the dark side, which is my fragile as a butterfly wing, and self destructive as Sid and Nancy put together, with a twist of bitterness so vile, its basically unbearable at times). These posts are primarily to calm my nerves, though I do this for those of you who also experience similar phases of agony. We are human, and its OK to not be OK all the time. I make fun of Disney on a fairly regular basis, but used this to illustrate another point about what it feels like (the exhaustion of fighting all the time for my peace of mind). I feel at once paralyzed, trapped in some tower, waiting to be rescued (fortunately, there are people who have tried), while also feeling a bit like the goofy prince, who must fight off the evil dragon. The little line by one of the fairies (or whatever they are) always stuck with me - let evil die, and good endure. Yes. Please do not give into your demons (whatever you want to call them). This post may well be a bit obnoxious, but (even if I for some reason dont kill *my* dragon, please dont give up a fight). Life is worth fighting for. youtube/watch?v=vdaBuxmC7M8
Posted on: Sat, 25 Oct 2014 09:23:23 +0000
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