Musings Have you ever opened a can; and while removing the lid, got a little of the contents on your finger and licked it off? I did… What I should probably tell you is that it was a can of cat food… Not bad… Needs some salt, though… I have often thought how fortunate I am; to be living at this point in time. It would’ve been cool to live back in the Old West days. If you had a problem with someone back in those days; if you were faster on the draw, the problem was over… And if you were a little slow on the draw; your problems were over… What I found strange; was back then, you could rob someone, steal someone’s wife, or kill someone for calling you a liar; and you had a good chance of getting away with it… But if you stole someone’s horse, you got your neck stretched. The cowboy would give up his wife, before he would let any tinhorn skate away with his ride… Priorities; man, priorities… I saw a lady wearing a fur coat one day; and asked her what type of fur it was. Ermine the lady said… I was speechless… I thought; my word… It must have been HUGE… It’s always the well-endowed, low-cut top wearing woman who embarrasses you by saying “Hey; my eyes are up here, fella,” pointing to her eyes; drawing the attention from people nearby and seeming to relish it. Eyes…? Who cares about eyes!? I HAVE EYES! What would I want to look at eyes, for? I want to look at something I don’t have… I stopped at a gas station one day; out in a rural area that I was currently lost in, hoping to get directions to my destination. The guy working there was a long, tall drink of water wearing a grease-covered cap and sporting an honest-to-God rat-tail haircut. I thought that style went out in the late 80’s. He ambled over; scrubbing his oily hands with a greasy rag. “Helpya?” he said, revealing a set of teeth you could make keys with… Just hand him a key-blank; let him bite it, and presto! “I’m not from this area; and I need directions to Pulaski, can you point me to the right road?” I was expecting something like, ‘ya cross the train tracks; go to the blue house, take the gravel road beside it, go about 2 miles and then it kinda veers to the left… you don’t wanna go that way; just stay straight’… You know what I’m saying..? I watched him think about how he was going to describe the way; struggle with it, actually, then he said “You can’t get there from here… you gotta go somewhere else.” I took some Nyquil and Vivarin one night before going to bed; and had a dream that I couldn’t sleep… A young boy showed up at a service station where I worked one day with a bicycle tire. “Can you put some air in this for me, please?” he politely asked. The mechanic on duty took the tire and rim to the tire center; where he clipped the air hose onto the valve-stem. The tire inflated rapidly; and the mechanic couldn’t seem to get the air hose unhooked. The tire swelled; then exploded, sounding like a gun shot. The mechanic managed to finally unclip the hose; stared at the ruined tire for a moment, then handed the ragged tire and rim back to the little boy. “Here… It ain’t any good” he said, in a matter-of-fact kind of way… I have invented a new type of cracker spread. Peanut butter and jalapeño… it burns like Hell, and sticks to the roof of your mouth. I unveiled it one night, at a gathering of friends. While mingling; I heard someone whisper “Man, I’ve got that spread stuck in my mouth.” “I know” someone else said, “burns like Hell, doesn’t it?” Oh, that reminds me… My sister was having a party for some friends; and had bought a snack tray from the market. She had dared anyone to get in that tray before the guests arrived. I asked her husband if he was going to make it without starving; until the guests arrived. He said that he had snuck a couple of cheese and crackers while she wasn’t looking. The only cheese that she had purchased was a small brick of unopened cheddar… “Oh no; tell me you didn’t open it” I begged, knowing it may get ugly in here very shortly. About that time; my sister came out of the kitchen, with a look of fury on her face. I brayed laughter at what she said next. With righteous anger; she thundered, “WHO CUT THE CHEESE!!!?” BUD ALLEN
Posted on: Fri, 29 Nov 2013 16:23:09 +0000
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