My Cape Times column 9/4/14 No One NUMBER One was a righteous (in his view) man, blameless (or so he thought, for vast was his capacity for self-delusion) among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with the Creator. Number One had 74 wives, 392 children, 56 008 head of cattle, and R33billion of taxpayers’ money in an offshore account on the Cayman Islands. Now the Earth was corrupt in the Creator’s sight and was full of violence. The Creator saw how corrupt the Earth had become, for all the people on Earth had corrupted their ways, and this was primarily because the software – Homo Sapiens 70 – had become corrupt. So the Creator said to Number One: “No One I…” “It’s Number One,” interrupted Number One. “Not No One. The N-O is actually an abbreviation for Number. Please don’t call me No One. I am Number One.” “Sorry No, er… Number One. Anyway, as I was saying, I am going to put an end to all the people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the Earth.” “OMG!” shrieked Number One. “So, No One…” “Number One!” yelled Number One. “Not No One. God what is wrong with you? You never got my name wrong before.” “Er… quite true,” said the Creator. “It’s because I am an upgrade – Creator 2013 – and I am still finding my feet, so to speak.” “What do you mean an upgrade?” “Well No…er… Number One, it’s fairly simple. The previous Creator app had a number of glitches …” “Wait a minute. The Creator was slash is an app? You’re saying you’re an app?” The Creator chuckled, and all the hills and dales of the earth were filled with delight, and brooks babbled and passion flowers bloomed and birds tweeted. “You didn’t know? In the dark they have been keeping you? Oy va va voy.” “What was wrong with the previous Creator app?” asked Number One. “At least he got my name right.” “He had a propensity to fly into rages and to smite all and sundry who offended him.” “But you’re just the same. You want to destroy all the people and the Earth because they’ve pissed you off by being violent. Like you don’t have a violent bone in your body.” “The fact that I don’t have a body renders that statement true. But, yes, I am going to destroy every living substance off the face of the Earth, both man and beast, woman too, and every creeping thing that creepeth, and every crawling thing that crawleth and every creepy-crawly thing that both creepeth and crawleth…” “Yuk!” shuddered Number One. “Except for you No…er… Number One. Except for you and yours. You have delighted me, with your naïve simplicity, with your venality, your rapaciousness, your avariciousness, your singing and dancing, your ability to simply deny every wrongdoing you have ever committed …” “Okay, okay. Enough already. You’re making me blush.” “Sweet. Anyway No…er…whatever… I want you to install certain security features in your homestead so that in seven days when it all comes down… when the rain comes down, and we’re not just talking occasional thundershowers, we’re talking rain that lasts for 40 days and 40 nights, we’re talking waters that rise and cover the mountains to a depth of 15 cubits, we’re talking floodwaters that cover the Earth for 150 days, before I send a great wind to blow them away. All the springs of the great deep are going to burst forth and the floodgates of heaven are going to be opened and everything with the breath of life in its nostrils will be wiped out.” “Except for me and mine?” “Exactly. Because the security features at your homestead are going to protect you. Unfortunately there won’t be room for everybody in your entourage, so I want you to select two wives…” “Only two!” “And two concubines. And two fiancées. And two girlfriends. And two women that you are particularly fond of. In addition, select two spin doctors, two Indian “financial wizards”, two party animals, two political animals, two lawyers, two judges that you have in your pocket, two praise singers, two sons, two daughters, two nieces and two nephews. But don’t select Khulubuse, because you won’t have enough food for him.” “Poor Khulubuse,” sighed Number One. “Now listen very carefully No…er…whatever, because I’m going to give you the specs of the security upgrades that you must install at your homestead. First, construct a fire pool, 25 cubits by….” At that instant the Creator disappeared. Some say a virus devoured him; others insist it was a worm. But Number One went ahead and upgraded the security features at his homestead, using what he believed were the creator’s specs. Unfortunately for him, the flood never came. Instead he walked into a shit-storm of opprobrium.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 06:26:05 +0000
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