My Day in Two Fat Bullet Points: Short Version: I got beat up by an old lady in the grocery store, I fell on “Fred”, and I DO NOT BLEND with the other mom’s. Long Version: ●I got beat up by an old lady and her purse in the grocery store. I was in a hurry. I accidentally put the meat I was buying in her cart instead of mine and walked away with her watermelon and lunch meat. As soon as I realized it, I stopped and turned around only to be met with a giant white purse in the face. It smelled like mint and seemed to be heavy so my only guess was that she had like 20 lbs. of breath mints and cinder blocks inside. I tried to apologize and explain my error but she kept yelling “What’s the matter with you people?! Jerks giving old people a hard time!!” and swinging her purse at me. Everyone in the store came rushing to her aid like I was some kind of watermelon stealing geriatric abuser! It was a cart! I accidentally pushed her cart away instead of mine. It was an honest mistake! The carts are identical for Pete’s sake! I was so shaken up and embarrassed. So then I went to the noodle aisle. At this point I was sweating, shaking and bright red from embarrassment. I looked like a detoxing crack head. Well I didn’t notice that “FRED” was backing up in his hover-round right behind me. Aren’t those things supposed to beep continuously while in reverse?! I grabbed my two boxes of spiral noodles for pasta salad and as I stepped backwards to turn around I ran right into him and accidentally fell onto his motor cart. Oh my god, I thought people were going to mob me at this point. The dirty looks and mumbling was insane! Barney Fife, the grocery store security guard came over and watched me shop from afar the rest of my time there. I mean seriously. One look at my mom jeans, wet hair, and pasta - You can totally tell I’m harmless and simply a Midwestern frazzled mom in a hurry. ●Gracie had a team party today. It was at the coach’s house and it’s always a nice event. I have undeniably confirmed I DO NOT BLEND with the other mom’s. Don’t get me wrong they’re nice, hardworking and dedicated people who love their children as much as I love mine. I can’t say a wrong thing about them. I just DO NOT blend. Here’s an example. All the moms were talking about their kids and school. “I had little Timmy reading before pre-school. And little Gwen was tested for advanced classes in 2nd grade.” I sat there listening, nodding, and smiling. Then one of the head moms looked at me for my input. So I said, “Yeah, I got lucky with Gracie. She just came out smart. I’m just glad neither of my kids were the paste-eaters in class.” I might as well have crapped my own pants. I would have gotten a better response. I WAS JOKING!! So I went back to nodding and smiling. Then they were talking about the kids going back to school on the first day. One mom admitted to getting weepy every year. Another mentioned that it just goes smoothly without mother or child being upset at all. Me? What did I say? Siiiigh…. I should have just shoved chips and bean dip in my mouth. But, I wanted to socially redeem myself. So I said, “Once both Jack and Gracie are officially on the bus and on their way, HBD and I high-five and do a happy dance right there in the driveway. I’m considering offering 9 AM mimosa’s in the driveway to the neighborhood moms this year.” If they could have thrown a bag over my head, tied me to a donkey and send me off into the wilderness, I think they would have. Sigh. I don’t know. I guess I just look at things differently. Or…maybe I’m just twisted. It’s just, I always feel like Lady GaGa standing in a group of Amish people when it comes to stuff like this. Not that there is anything wrong with the Amish. I’m just trying to help you visualize the contrast. Can anyone relate? So, if you see me on the evening news for beating up old people or see me riding backwards on a donkey down the street, don’t be alarmed. As you can see, there’s a perfectly solid explanation for it all.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Aug 2014 23:16:57 +0000
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