My Treadmill of Despair I exist languished, trapped by a lonely, only perceived by me, unforgiving unrelenting duty, On my very own personally designed and constructed treadmill of despair. The cruel unforgettable bricks and mortar of childhood abuse Smelted and cemented into a lifelong futile quest For a gentle cooperative truthful civility in a human society that nowhere exists. One diametrically interminably opposed to the status quo Of monolithic, ubiquitous, pervasive coercion determined culture, Characterized by predation precipitating whips, chains and shackles of determinism. Is death and reunification with the Nitrogen Cycle my only hope of exit, cessation and release, From this nightmare from which I cannot awaken, that will strip this hair shirt of honor and atonement, For inflicted pain and suffering of which I am both a dichotomous perpetuator and victim. Or can I discover from somewhere deep within the resilience, mental acuity and creative genius Required to effect my escape from this interminable living hell? An Idyllic Dream become My Worst Nightmare I am filled with an intense, powerful longing for what can never ever be, A world replete and redolent with peace, cooperation and harmony, A matrix pregnant with love and happiness which I inevitably belatedly must discover Can exist only as my romantic, idealistic fantasy. Why has telling the truth as much as humanly possible precipitated the wisdom and intelligence To perceive and create the ideational basis for a vision that in the long term Can only be an unrealistic, unattainable, surrealistic exercise in complete futility. That compulsion to utter and moral rectitude that easily overcame suppression and repression, As time passed also catapulted me into experiencing the malignant, tyrannical curse, The homelessness, the poverty, and, most of all, the loneliness and alienation, The hunger, the pain and suffering implicit in embracing and practicing In precept what inevitably became the poisonous bane of morality. My reward for truthfulness, integrity and scrupulous honesty which produced the capacity To describe accurately the existing social reality had unavoidably caused me to imbibe The bitter vetch and passport of entry into a real, irreducible, actuality. To be stripped of the insulation that made me oblivious of the true extent of mankind’s travails, tragedies and ubiquitous agony, Yet simultaneously created my awesome irreversible dilemma and destiny, Having achieved contact with reality I could never bear to revert and regress to blind stupidity, Never again exist without unlimited, untrammeled access to understanding, comprehension, beauty and ecstasy, But provided also the malignant actuality in which I am left depressingly, terminally surfeited with the dangerous knowledge, That what I have laboriously, tortuously, woefully struggled to make possible Can never be shared with the mime run, the vast majority of human beings. I cannot bridge the monumental chasm between amorality and morality, persuade anyone to follow my palpably meritorious, righteous example And trace the faint, completely indiscernible to the conflicted, path I have blazed into the future, And live parting veils of transcendent joy and exhibit and demonstrate guilt free functionality. The New Day Coming This morning filled with abject, worshipful awe and poignant humility, I was honored to witness yet another picturesque, enabling dawn. One solace and unconditional benefit of my nomadic homeless existence, Is that I am often permitted to observe This inevitable, daily, beyond beautiful spectacle. I was present, aware and sensitized as the sun dispelled layer after layer of dark, ominous clouds, Bursting through these a scintillating, fulgent beacon of hope and light, As these bands of moisture seemed put to flight to escape, The powerful beams of reverent rays harbingers of positive functional changes. I watched the daybreak overcome and vanquish the darkness, Where there had been night that obscured and diminished to invisibility, The panoramas of foliage, urban sprawl and made innocuous other items of scenery, And prohibited the full appreciation of their uniqueness or natural beauty, All was suddenly, wondrously exposed to my pregnant with gratitude perception and sight. Love to fill an Empty Void Despite everything that has occurred I continue to entertain the hope, That out of the void of loneliness and despair a tender, generous love will make its presence felt, That out of the social vacuum of non being, of abject poverty, of homelessness, of alienation, A fervent passion will somehow appear and blissfully impact, resurrect and succor my existence, An intense emotion chaste, righteous and enduring will propitiously materialize, One so wise, so vital and so resourceful that it can dispel and overcome, The ugliest and most debilitating humiliation, the too numerous And monumentally degrading frustrations and rejections, That my magnificent obsession has required and necessitated that I endure. I hope belatedly that fickle fate will somehow permit me to contract A lifelong devotion to fill to overflowing the emptiness unrelenting and irredeemable, The ever increasing ominous, undiluted melancholy that I fearfully anticipate The love holiday soon to be celebrated will precipitate. I freely admit to being at the mercy of awesome historical forces and circumstances Which are ubiquitous, monolithic, irresistible, beyond my puny capacity to manage or control. And so I can only be aware of this and find from somewhere within The moral wherewithal and character to bear it, While struggling on, wrestling with that ultimate paradox and consummate irony of sentient existence, Clinging to the ever receding more tenuous conviction that someday this will be resolved. That one who so tortuously and determinedly developed the capacity for a loyal faithful attachment, Will eventually encounter someone worthwhile on whom to bestow This amorous affection and desire, this so intensely ardent concern. WILLIAM EDWIN VIRTUE
Posted on: Fri, 09 Jan 2015 18:36:23 +0000
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