My coming out story: As a kid, I was always the most overjoyed when my brothers pants and shirts became mine. I played baseball, soccer, and football with the boys. I always wanted to be a dad. Always. When I was 11, the crushing reality of what growing up meant for me hit home, and it hit hard. I was raised in a Christian home, and I had experienced some really deep answers to prayer. So I brought to God my deepest fear. Every single night Id pray God change how I feel or help me be a boy when I grow up. Make me a boy when I wake up. It didnt work. I saw my body change and I hated it. Everytime someone saw me with a kid and told me how Id be a great mom someday, I hurt. Why couldnt anyone see what I saw? The most interesting, if not the least visited element of my story is that I know I needed to be a girl as a teenager, so I could take care of my sister. Amber needed a sister. That didnt change how I felt about myself though. Once she was fully recovered, I changed. I realized I was holding myself back and that I needed to do me, I started making choices that others didnt and wouldnt understand, and still dont. Im still the same person, but I recall very deeply, my innermost thoughts and feelings. While I cared for my sister, I lived my boyhood, as many Transpersons do, online where it was safe. I had friends and family who knew me there as a strong young man. The morning of September 20th 2011 was the morning I knew that I had no choice in the matter anymore. To go one more day and deny who I was would have been my death. In the same day, I sat with my family in the living room, and my closest friends on skype. I told them, this is how its going to be. Im a boy, and I always have been. Ive been trying to make everyone else happy, and thats not helping me. I was fully prepared for the rejection of my family, and I was awed at the respect from my friends. It hasnt all been perfect, but next Tuesday I will finally legally, be Lucas Mandel Sethaniel Anorak, I cant count the number of times Ive wanted to die, and I cant express how deeply depressed my gender identity confusion led me to be. These feelings are real, and they are real in many many many Transpeople. But, I wouldnt trade the last two years of my life for anything. Coming out has, at times been even more painful than hiding it has been, but it has also led to the greatest feelings, achievements, and adventures in my life. I identify at this point, as male, though I do meet the criteria to be considered trans*. I often explain to people who are confused that Im trans* but I look forward to the day that I only identify as male. This year I started White Noise, which has had its fair share of delays, but I look forward to always standing beside my Trans* Brothers and Sisters, and I hope you will too! Happy Trans* day of visibility!
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 03:27:46 +0000
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