*** My continuing thoughts on chronic pain (and other things) in honor of, or rather in recognition of World Arthritis Day. Or, What happens when you are home too much and in your head. This is a slow morning, each step thought out and made carefully. Forever seems to have passed as I gingerly walk down our steps to the downstairs. If I dont hurry the flare of sun that glows luminous in the mist will be gone. Sometimes it is for only an instant and then the sky is as it will be for the rest of the day. I hate to miss the sunrise. I have to see the sunrise every day. I suppose I am trying to add in time wherever I can for years I seem to have lost. What didnt I see? What didnt I appreciate during my early teens or early college? Those periods of time I called The dead time. The diaries of my days burned in painful remembrance. How can one have no feelings, dead feelings, no remorse, no love, yet still live and breathe? Someone once said, You have the face of an angel; innocent and pure. Didnt they see. Didnt everyone see through me? I feel like I am always in a race - almost there - almost caught up to what I lost. If there were more sunrises in a day perhaps. My old mantra comes to mind, You have the ability to restart your day at any time, you have the ability to restart your life at any time. Ive done it. Boom or bust my whole life. Good and bad. Naive and devious. Outside the door now, beginning the seemingly endless walk on our multicolored- stoned drive towards the road. Maybe fifty feet of steps I cannot bear. I look down at the stones as I walk, stopping once, twice, looking back, looking forward, then down again at the beautiful shapes. This is how I find my hearts of stone; my small treasures that I arrange carefully on the aged tree stump. Is this how I am meant to make up my lost time? This pain I think is so bad, so unfair at times, is the same pain that gives me, no, makes me, take the extra time to see the minutest details of the Earth. But, I see now...Pain is both my punishment and my reward. I know Ive made up my lost time in many ways. It isnt lost, and everything now is treasured more - locked like my secret diaries in my little hearts of stone.
Posted on: Sun, 12 Oct 2014 12:08:07 +0000
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