My daughter Aleena is really something. Shes only 5 1/2, but her ability to discern circumstances far outweighs her age, and often I am floored by the insight she can provide. From an early age, she could always read me well, understand my heart in a way very few can. I can remember being in horrible pain this past summer, curled up in fetal position waiting for the meds to kick in. Aleena came up to me and said, Momma, can I pray for you? Of course, I said. Please pray. It was nothing out of the ordinary, just a simple request in her own words that God would heal Momma and take away the pain. And, instantly, the pain stopped. No faster could she take her hands off my liver, I had tears streaming down my face, explaining my pain was gone. Really? she said full of blue eyed wonder. Really! I said. She kinda shrugged her shoulders like, of course Jesus would hear my request and heal you. Her faith linked with mine brought instant relief in that moment. Knowing how special she is means there is no pulling one over on her. She gets things without a full explanation, so yesterday when I walked out of my bedroom and she saw me for the first time in daylight, she said, Mom, your eyes are really... Yellow, I chimed in. I know. So is my skin. In that moment, I could see her little brain processing. I held my breath, and just didnt know what shed say. Without hesitating she said, You look really pretty in yellow. I like it. And she hugged me. Oh to be accepted for who we are! My girls, my special girls. Aleena who has the most tender heart, and Zoe, my fighter- all 22 pounds of a little 2 1/2 year old who fought through life starting at 28 weeks that inspires me to keep going. Yesterday was a fairly decent day. In the darkness of the early morning, I crept into the girls room, got into bed with Aleena and positioned Zoe on the other side if me. We lay in the quiet silence, me just holding onto my babies, thanking God for them. Dreaming and believing there will be many more moments like this... My body has taken such a beating. The hope was that the chemo from last week would immediately start to fight the tumors, causing the cancer to shrink back and allow my liver some relief from all the pressure. In addition, I am fighting a progressing liver disease. My liver is so strained, it has difficulty keeping up with processing fluids. Im actively working to help my body fight the fluid build up. I look at myself in the mirror, my yellow skeleton staring back at me. I may not look the same on the outside, but I sure do feel the same on the inside. Hard to say if the chemo has made any difference. Tomorrow, doctors hope to put in a mediport for easy access to chemo treatments. Im supposed to head back to Georgetown in the early afternoon, have the port installed, and then head home, returning for my next chemo on Thursday, January 22...the best laid plans of mice and men... My husband and I have done a lot of talking. How can you not in moments like these? But the reality is, we dont focus on the unknowns, we focus on what is known. God has called me (us) to do one thing- to STAND. Ephesians says it best, After you have done everything to stand, stand firm! I am not responsible for how everything works out. Im not responsible for making a miracle happen. I dont need to worry about the hows, the whys, the what ifs, the what will people think...the only thing I am accountable for is being obedient to stand.
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 09:29:28 +0000
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