My dear friends and family, The Lord has been speaking to me since the beginning of the year to share a word with you. I have been struggling with it because I ask, Who am I, Lord? His answer, You are one who knows. With tears, I will share. My heart has been extraordinarily heavy for those of you who have lost a piece of your lives that can never be replaced, a gap that can never be filled. The Lord has asked me to share briefly my experiences and, as always, HIS Victory through my trials. Some of this you may already know. Some of it you wont. I saw the death of 4 of my children through miscarriage and was told I could never have kids. At the age of 27 and after 5 years of marriage, I gave birth to Andrea. Just 9 months prior, we were standing in a church in Colorado Springs, CO, with Evangelist Nicky Cruz laying hands on us, praying for a child. Andrea, whose name means Godly Woman, who is named after Andrew, the first called by Jesus, was born as a direct result of the prayers of the Pastor, Associate Pastor and Nicky Cruz, the ex-gang member brought to Jesus by David Wilkerson in New York. It literally took us 20 years to have 4 children with lots of struggles along the way and each of them being a direct result of prayer. The victory: We saw Gods hand of Mercy, Love and Grace move on our behalf to bring forth the lives of our 4 kids. Each is named from scripture, with their names being chosen carefully - Andrea Lynn (Godly Woman, the first one called); Jordan Elizabeth (The gift that descended from Heaven); Micah Stephen (Crowned one who is like God?); Bethany Christine (Christ has ascended). My Dad and very best friend in the world died way too young at age 46. What started as a way of easing his own grief, turned out to be a suicide of sorts. He drank himself to death. I asked myself over and over, Wasnt I enough to live for? His death was way more than a sword piercing my heart. It was more like a wrecking ball to my chest. I wanted to die myself. I used to go to bed at night and ask the Lord to take me. I really didnt think I could go on. After 3 weeks I realized that God had another plan and I remember my words to Him like it was yesterday. Its clear to me that youre not going to kill me. So, if you want me to stay, will You please show me how to live? And this is exactly what He did. The victory: The Lord showed me how to shift my trust and faith from my human father to my Heavenly Father. He showed me step by step that if I will run to Him, pour my heart out to Him, He will be the one to guide me. I slowly realized that, even though I didnt know this at the time, I really did rely on my Dad for so much and counted on God for so little. My baby brother, Steve died unexpectedly of a brain aneurysm at age 34. Steve was healthy and athletic. He was also one of the nicest guys youd ever meet. Circumstances lined up so that Steve came to visit us for a week. When he left, he asked me, Why do I feel like Ive just spent a week at church camp? I felt so ashamed because for some reason, I just could not stop sharing with Steve what I knew about the Lord. I was truly compelled. Six months later, Steve was dead. My husband and I spoke at Steves funeral and 12 people gave their lives to Jesus. The victory: Steves love for people helped to bring more people to Jesus through his death than many people do in a lifetime of living. It was their love for Steve that brought them to the funeral and it was Steves example and conversations in his last days that convinced them that Jesus was more than a story in a book. My mother died of cancer at age 58. She lived with us for 12 years - ever since my dads death. We cared for her through the chemo and drove her from SC to Washington D.C. twice a month for treatments for a year. Strangely, my mom and I seldom saw eye to eye, yet she was the first the Lord gave me to care for outside of my husband and children. She didnt understand me and I thought she probably didnt care to try. She would say things like, You always talk about Jesus. Isnt that boring? My reply would be something like, Mom, are you a Christian? She answered, Yes! Now shut up and leave me alone. I really didnt think she could know the Jesus that I knew or she would understand why He was so important to me. When my mom moved in with us, I basically relinquished all control of my home to her. She did whatever she wanted to do without my interference. Although I tried to talk her into getting a job, taking classes - even ceramics -- anything she would enjoy, this is what she wanted to do. It really had to be that way. Thats what she did while we grew up and she needed to feel valuable. So, I went to work for the government and she cared for our 2 kids and maintained our household. When she got sick, she could no longer take care of anything. It was our turn to care for her. She spent a lot of time in hospitals, having her jaw and breast removed, along with her throat stripped. Because we had 2 young children - Andrea, 12 and Jordan, 4 - I received a lot of criticism from other family members for keeping my mom with us. Some of them thought I should put her in a home and not subject my kids to the hospital beds, hospice, and all that goes along with keeping a terminal cancer patient comfortable and monitored 24/7. The victory: On April 2, 1992, at 11:30 p.m., I was driving home from the night shift at Shaw AFB. I was traveling along the bypass getting ready to enter the highway, when I looked at the field ahead and 6 or 7 angels hovered above the ground. I stopped my car (I was the only one there that time of night) and wiped my eyes to make sure I wasnt seeing things. The angels continued and I spoke to God, Lord, what are you trying to tell me? I waited and listened and watched. Then I knew. Tonights the night, isnt it, Lord? The angels disappeared and I drove home. The next morning at 5:30 a.m., my husband sat next to me on the bed and touched my side. I opened my eyes and he said, Are you OK? I said, Shes gone, isnt she? We went into my moms room, cried and spent time alone with her. Then we woke up our girls and told them that grandma was gone. As a family we knelt next to my moms bed and miraculously I prayed aloud for all of us - thanking God for my moms life, thanking Him for allowing us to care for her, thanking Him for the assurance that she was in Heaven. Just six weeks before her death, my mom gave her life to Jesus. Suddenly, He was all she could talk about. The woman who never even wanted to say grace aloud before all of a sudden wanted to pray for everyone she encountered. Besides salvation, perhaps the greatest victory is that our kids experienced firsthand how you continue to care for people long after they are able to give you anything. 3 1/2 years ago, I saw the death of my 37 year marriage. In order not to divulge anything hurtful to anyone, allow me to say that my husband decided that marriage just wasnt for him. I really didnt know how I was going to make it or even if I wanted to. As usual, the Lord showed up and like a parent caring for a wounded child, He picked up a spiritual cloth and gently and lovingly cleaned and dressed my wounds, speaking life into this truly shattered and emotionally broken woman. The victory: I am stronger now than I have been in many years. I am certainly more sensitive to those with broken marriages. Perhaps most of all, I am learning how to love differently - someone that I dont particularly want to be good to, for someone elses sake. But, the Lord has a way of blessing me way more than I could ever give to anyone else. Now my ex and I are better friends than weve ever been. Truly miraculous! In October 2014, I witnessed someone I love more than life itself become unresponsive in an ambulance. I was also present, by the Grace of God, to watch the Lord restore this persons life physically - and now emotionally. The victory: Oh my! Too much to mention it all here, but, of course, its not everyone who is blessed to see the dead raised back to life. And, I still have this person in my life. Praise God! Through all of this loss and trauma, the Lord has given me a HUGE CHUNK of something that I could not have received any other way. I am sharing this to encourage those of you who have lost a loved one. In each and every case, the Lord gave me a greater Understanding, more Knowledge, increased Wisdom. I have a determination to help ease the pain of others who are going through grief. You can be a survivor and the truth is, you can successfully thrive. Those are words I never thought I would say in the midst of the heartache, but I am here to tell you that its true. GOD CAN AND WILL BLESS YOU IN WAYS YOU COULD NOT EVEN IMAGINE BECAUSE OF THE DIFFICULTIES YOU ARE SUFFERING TODAY. Please keep calling on Him and even though I do not know the extent of your personal grief, I am no stranger to suffering. I will continue to pray for you - from a position somewhere on the same line. Be blessed, Beloved of God, and remember that God loves you and only wants whats best for you - for His Glory. ~Bonnie~
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 15:33:29 +0000
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