My father just died and I feeling so sad and confused From what advice I’ve read it’s helpful to get your thoughts out during a tragic time like this and since I don’t have really close friends to talk to, this forum seems next best choice, and hopefully it may also help others. My father died November 28 and he was in his 54 and I’m in my 26 . While we weren’t emotionally very close, we lived together most all my life except a few years during a separation from my mother, so now I miss him terribly. He was slowly declining over the past 5 days or so but we were able to take a trip on Cebu City. (they were divorced in ’95 and it devastated him but he accepted it and became friends the last 8 years) and up until January he still could get around by himself and go up and down stairs by himself. I felt proud he didn’t use a walker or cane although I never told him, I now wish I did. In January he got sick and went to the hospital for a month but they found nothing specific but said it was most likely advancing dementia so he had to go to a rehab nursing home. At this point he was no longer able to walk, which to me was a very sad point as just 2 months previous we had been at my mothers in my province where she was dying and in hospice (We went down to get her out of hospice and into treatment and she is, knock on wood, basically cancer free as the doctor says but that story would take up a whole book) and again he was able to walk through the airport without assistance. He entered the nursing home mid February. By May he lost 30 pounds, wasn’t eating much and when he did there were aspiration problems so they put in a feeding tube. By then, he could barely speak and he was getting bedsores which led to infections so basically he was going to the hospital for a few weeks and seemed to be getting better, then when he got back to the nursing home he would get worse in a few days and would go back to the hospital again. And every time they kept asking me about code status, like they were obsessed with that. I kept saying to do everything you can for him if that happens, he doesn’t have a terminal disease or coma for heavens sake just an infection. By now the first nursing wouldn’t accept him back because of his code status so he stayed in the hospital a month until we found one that would. The new place was much better than the old one with more caring staff and nurses. He was stable for 3 weeks before an infection came back and he went to the hospital again. This time even this nursing home wouldn’t take him back unless I agreed to a DNR status. Reluctantly I did and he went back on August 22nd. He seemed stable but most of the time he slept, but the brief times he was awake, once he was able to crack a smile with such a sweet face, and that I will always cherish. Especially since the bedsores must have been painful. For the last few months I visited him 2 or sometimes 3 times a day and kept sending his homecare aid 6 days a week even though many times he wasnt awake. The last time I saw him was early evening and was sleeping so I just said good night and sleep well. The next morning I get up at 5am for some reason as I usually dont get up til 6:30 or so. 15 minutes later I get a call from the nursing home saying he just passed away. I felt so numb and cold. I should have rushed over there but was feeling nauseous. I got there at 8 and the nurse led me in his room. He seemed peaceful and I put my hand on his forehead, it was still warm while tears started but I didn’t really cry. Ive never cried much but I have been shedding many tears at times. But I guess even though in the last 2 months I was in denial that he was really never coming home I guess it prepared me in some way as I did have feelings of great sadness during that time as well. While I’m grateful to say I didn’t have any major unresolved issues like so many people have with a parent that died, I feel bad and guilty about many things I did or didn’t say or do. Even though I visited him 2 or 3 times a day, I only stayed a few minutes, many times checking my watch as if I had better things to do. Before he got sick, sometimes when he was slow or forgetful I would say some mean stuff like calling him an old man, he wouldn’t say anything back but now I realize how much it must have hurt him, I wish I could say how sorry I am. One of the things I regret is not having married or having kids while he was alive. He didnt have any brothers and sisters and I dont either and he died not knowing if his name will live on. There are so many things I feel sad about. Just thinking about the little things like most every night when I would be lying on the couch in the basement watching TV he would come down at night to say goodnight and wave his little fingers and show a big smile to me. Looking at the last thing he bought when still “fairly together” about 2 years ago, a 3 foot tall carving of a baby elephant (he loved and collected elephants because they symbolized kindness). Looking at all the 100+ medical books he studied and a few he even authored on the bookcase. Looking at all the souvenirs from all the vacations we took together, knowing we will never be going back to Baugio city or La Union again, his favorite places. Thinking about the gentle way he walked, taking short steps, the last few years always showing a smile when I looked at him. Up until 2 years ago I never thought he would never be around. Although it has been sad to not have him at home for the last six months of his illness, the first night coming home to an empty house knowing he’s not around anymore was 100 times worse than knowing he wasn’t home but still alive. This is the 3rd day and although I still very sad, it doesn’t seem as bad as the first 2, but I’m feeling guilty even saying that plus I’m not crying but I am getting teary eyed often. Maybe for me it will come out at the funeral in 4 days. I just hope I don’t loose it there in public. Another thing I feel a little guilty about are people who loose a parent at much younger age. I’m thinking, I’m in 26, many people loose a parent in their 30’s or 20’s, and some when they are teens or just kids. What right do I have to feel so bad, these other people had their parents around for a much less time. Just writing this is exhausting and every few minutes I get tears so I have to take a break and continue later, plus I’m picking up my mother at the Bus Terminal. Any comments or thoughts in the meantime are welcome. :( .....BRIXIE ACCELL.....:(
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 08:27:30 +0000