My first baby step to my new normal came nine months after Engel died,, sitting at my desk at our photo studio, the realization that Engels physical body was never coming back washed over me. It was still a while before that acknowledgment completely lived in me, but it was a small first step to my new normal. When I was able to say, and believe, that Engel was never coming back, I began to heal ever so slightly. Leaning on those who are willing to support your lifelong journey can help build your new normal. For me, that person has been my daughter, Greta.. Her unconditional love in the face of my anger, confusion, and irrational behavior had kept me from falling. She was grieving her loss, too, but still had reached out to me on many, many levels. The single most powerful factor in starting my new normal had been the realization that death did not take all of my child. Engels death did not take all of her life. His spirit and life live on through my memories. Everything I had with Engel when she was alive still lives in me. Every hug, every kiss, every laugh, and every tear will always be a part of my life. I certainly wish there had been many more memories to be made, but that decision was not mine to make. In the beginning, the memories I had were mostly about what I lost. I thought Engel was gone forever and I would experience her life again only when I died and we were reunited. Now, most of my memories are more about what I had, and still have, with her. All the times are special and treasured moments that I hold closely and am very grateful for. It’s very painful to have experienced the death of my daughter, but I have not lost all of her. Her life force and wonderful spirit shines in my life. My realization about Engels life was not something I consciously decided to feel. I didn’t go to the healing store and buy it off the shelf. Through my grief work, and leaving myself open to all possibilities of healing, I was able to bring Engels life back into mine. . I will never stop fighting for my daughter......
Posted on: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 00:55:30 +0000
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