My heart is aching over the loss of 11 y.o. apricot dilute bearcoat, Bubba. Just 3 days ago he was his usual self. My vet diagnosed him as having a pancreatic cancer, specifically insulinoma. The ultrasound we did showed a suspicious mass around his pancreas and stomach, an enlarged liver and a heart almost twice as big as it should be. The way it presented was sudden and severe. He didnt want to walk Wednesday night. He could walk just didnt want to so I carried him. He ate, drank water and defecated/urinated on Thursday morning but I had to carry him. I was shocked when I came home from work 5 hours later and he looked like he was at deaths door. I rushed him to my vet. She ran bloodwork on him and told me she thought he had pancreatic cancer because his glucose level was 39 and his pancreatic enzymes were so high they were off the charts. I couldnt wrap my mind around this but left him with her to get IV fluids, antibiotics, and pain medication even though he was not showing any signs of pain in spite of its likelihood if her diagnosis was correct. After seeing the results of his ultrasound, a lengthy discussion with the vets office, and laying on the floor besides the pallet they made for him in their surgical work room - I petted him and said all of our usual heart chatter and ask him what I could do for him - he raised his head and shoulders up and his ears were in their fully alert state and I could see how bad he felt - so out of my mouth came words that broke my heart to say but there I was saying them - telling him it was okay to leave and that while I would miss him I would be OK and that Cookie (he dearly loved her - she died from kidney failure at 5) and Marshal (the heart and soul doggy of my lifetime - my first shar pei) would meet him and take care of him - to go to them and give everyone kisses from me. I told him how good he was going to feel and that Im counting on them meeting me when I cross over. I motioned to my vets nurse to tell her I wanted to let him go and could she help us. I went back to laying on the floor beside Bubba as close as I could possibly get and I told him its okay to leave. He responded by laying his head down and I knew he was leaving even before she gave the first anesthesia shot. My home and heart feel cold and empty but my mind has no doubt I did the right thing for this spirited loyal companion. I know we will remain part of each other but my heart aches like it or not - hurting comes as surely and intimately as I breathe.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 17:53:28 +0000
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