My last year... I have so much on my chest and I want to get it off.. To have freedom from my mind and thought.. I punish myself for what seems like the longest and craziest year of my life.. It started with that thing we call stress.. This stress was from money and bills upon bills.. As children and yes that means 18 and well still going we make foolish decisions.. We have to have the brand new car instead of the old paid off one.. We have to have the nicest clothes and fanciest of everything.. Why? I dont know but we think we do.. Ive learned the hard way that and old paid off car is greater than anything.. Why? Well when your brand new one gets repossessed because your without a job and cant make those payments it makes you think, why didnt I listen to the grown ups in my life and not buy this thing? I decided that the stress was to much and I went to a doctor.. This was honestly the biggest mistake of my life so far.. I explained to the doctor in my early teens I was on medicine for depression and anxiety.. I explained that I felt like stress was just to much.. (This is where I wish the doctor would have said thats life and told me to toughen up) but alas this didnt happen.. They prescribed Zoloft Satan in a bottle if you ask me.. I began this medicine and at first I felt great.. At first being the first week I would guess and after that things went way wrong.. I can describe me as one way.. Pissed.. All the time it was anger, being so angry with everyone and everything and no matter what I blamed it all on others.. I left/kicked out my husband so many times I cant count.. Why? I honestly dont know.. I still cant tell you why I did sometimes.. I called the doctor and they said OK lets increase it.. This made things so much worse.. I felt like I couldnt be without it at this point.. A day without it and I felt like I was going insane.. The downward spiral continued.. I did something so not me.. Im the kid with perfect credit well used to be.. The kid who does everything right.. I stole something.. Something I did several times.. I made excuses and said I had to do it.. I had no money, I deserve things too.. These thoughts led to some serious fines and time in jail.. Wow this isnt me I thought that night sleeping in a room full of people I didnt know.. This is the start of a new chapter I thought.. I prayed that night I could just get out and then I would do better with my life.. I was released days early the next morning I got to go home.. I was still taking my pills and I was separated from the love of my life.. Things at this point became their darkest.. I attempted suicide by taking half of my pills and drinking.. I passed out before I could finish the bottle.. I tried to slit my own wrist.. I tried it all.. What did I have to live for at this point? I took my son to the doctor and while their my sons doctor not the one who prescribed me the pills started talking to me.. He asked how I was feeling and we talked a while.. He said a sentence that stuck with me.. Were all stressed and fighting depression at times.. Its okay to not be happy all the time that clicked for me.. I stopped the pills cold turkey.. I was told not to but did.. This was a bad thing in one way as it caused me to violently take out my pain on my husband.. Something Im still sorry for.. I cant believe he ever gave me another chance.. Things are good emotionally now for me.. Im the happiest Ive ever been.. Ive been without a job for a while now.. Its hard to find one with something on your record but I have a great husband who helps me.. Life is hard but if your strong and overcome the challenges it can be beautiful and amazing too.. I just needed to write all that.. I love those of you who have been there for me.. As for those who have not.. I dont have time for any negativity in my life anymore.. So bye.. God has a plan and we have to wait for it.. I love you Dennis Peters thanks for all you do for me.. Thanks also to Risti Isti for always being a friend.. Never fake always real..
Posted on: Sat, 24 Jan 2015 04:21:48 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015