My love/hate relationship: My wheelchair. I dont talk about these things much because I dont want to seem like Im complaining. But maybe, just maybe theres someone going through a similar struggle who could be helped by what Im about to say. That is my hope. Im struggling to understand why the course of my disease seems to be more severe than that of my mother, comparing my level of impairment to hers at the same age. I find myself pushing myself to walk until I collapse because those little doubts in my head keep telling me that maybe Im just not trying hard enough. Some days I can consume enough medication to keep me on my feet until I just have reached both my physical limits and the limits of my daily meds. People see me, tell me how great I look (which raises my spirits!) but then I start seeing that look. The same look my husband gets on his face when he sees my strength starting to fail. Then theres another look I get, from others, who seem to be wondering why I can run about like the Tasmanian devil on crack when Im supposed to be barely able to stand. They dont see the aftermath, when Im lying on the couch so weak Im trembling and not even able to get up and get myself a glass of water. The pain we wont even discuss. I could walk through the pain, I have for years. My legs are just too damn weak. Physical therapy (which I do every day) just further weakens me now instead of strengthening me the way it used to. I love my chair when I get to go out and do something instead of sitting home because I cant walk. I hate it because in the winter Im pretty much house-bound without it, and its SUCH a pain in the posterior to have to load the damn thing up every time we just want to go on an outing. The chair is too big for me to get around the house in. I cant use it in the kitchen. Everything is too tall. It has liberated me in many ways, but Im trying to make sure it doesnt enslave me, as well. I guess its just plain stubbornness that keeps me from admitting I need that damn chair more and more. The harder I fight, the weaker I get. Its NOT supposed to work that way. There are so many times Ive hit my knees and cried and pled and begged Him to please take this disease away, to give me the strength to be a good wife and mother and friend. I feel like a failure in many ways. I can only believe He has other things in mind for me, but its so hard to see what that might be. I just keep hanging on and praying, thankful for the love and understanding of friends and family, and for all my blessings.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 17:22:36 +0000
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