My name is Benjamin Wilson, orange tabby feline of impeccable taste and background. Ladies adore me, men respect me, and dogs fear me. I am a cat of independent means. You may say, stray, I say, in transition. And, today this is what I have to say. Since its been quite hot outside, and Ive had to seek shelter inside as a defense against an oppressive summer sun, I have had the time and opportunity to take stock of recent events, one such event being my adoption into this, shall I say, home, of which I now have full possession. Thereby, this place is now forever known as my house. By the way, I am to have a yard sale soon which will be brokered by a wonderful group called, neighbors. My sale will include such hot ticket items as: four pure-bred dogs of varying quality, none of which are worth more than the asking price of free, six thousand tennis balls, one peppermint football, four dogs beds, bowls and leashes, a Chuck-it, several pieces of agility equipment, and one Monks of New Skete dog training book which has proven useless on all counts. However, I digress. Let me continue with my original thoughts... I have noticed this person whom many call Mommy, and to whom I refer as Person, human, or, at times, simply, Ding-Dong, spends a great amount of money and effort caring for the myriad of despicable, and, let me be frank, ugly dogs she has living inside my house. Its a conundrum to me why she shows affection for creatures so painfully dumb as the common canis familaris. It is not my nature to criticize others, but I do feel that since I have come on the scene a careful reporting of what goes on around here is not only necessary, but will also illuminate why dogs are inferior beings. Or, as I have mentioned, dumb. Let me start with one such being called, SAMSON. Or, as I like to refer to him, The Black Plague. This dark devil has really got me tickled. I have to admit he is tenacious in his never ending quest to annoy me. I almost feel badly that I had to instill the fear of God and cat into him with no notice. I did get my revenge, though, on Mr. Black Plague at 5 am Monday morning after having endured a weekend of him interrupting my naps with his incessant curiosity regarding my personhood, my essence, my very being of which is is incapable and truly unworthy of even being around, much less knowing. In short, I prefer not to socialize with d.o.g.s.. After much deliberation on my part as to how to solve a problem like SAMSON, I realized that I was simply going to have to set him up, or as we say on the street, throw him under the bus. How could I bear hearing for one more minute from My Person how much she loves the puppy, loves the little boy, loves the baby shepherd. Its mind-numbing, and stomach sickening. I had to put an end to her delusional foolishness, and, with any luck, Samsons life, or, at least, his free ride around here. Yes, I played it dirty. And, no court would convict me as I was simply doing what had to be done in the face of oppression. I began my weekend of solving the issue of him by deftly knocking off the counter my cute little bowl containing fresh chicken. I followed such an accident with a blood cuddling MEOOOWWWW. And, My Person swept in to save the day. SAMSON got a scolding for trying to take the sweet little kittys food. But, Black Plague wouldnt quit. He was gearing up for a fight to the finish. I had to laugh as I curled up on an oversized dog bed to contemplate my next move. I suggested he do the same, but he was too busy chasing his own tail to notice I was out thinking him in my sleep. My next move was subtle, and final. Instead of dragging out the inevitable (my win), I decided that a deep, quick cut to the core of the matter would solve my little problem. SAMSON never saw it coming. About 4:50 am, last Monday morning, I knocked over my litter box. My full litter box. All of it. Everywhere. Strewn like yesterdays news all over the dining room floor. Dirty. Filthy. Messy. Everywhere. I jumped upon my ledge and waited. And, here comes him. He walked right through it all, nose to the ground like a depraved scent dog searching for something lost. I screamed, MEOOOWWWW. And, immediately My Person arrived in the scene. Oh my goodness what happened in here?!?!? Benny you, you, you.... Yes?, I managed to sputter out in a soft purr-like voice. Whats wrong, Mother. And, just as I was about to face her fury, in comes little blackie right on time. Oh, Samson!!!! You did this you ignorant thing. Dont you even lie. You have cat litter all over you! I smiled to myself. Mission accomplished. And, sadly poor SAMSON had to spend the early morning outside by himself while My Person cleaned up and consoled me for the indignity I had to suffer at her puppys hands. Now, My Person understands fully that I need protecting from her horrible canines as, after all, Im just a little kitty. A little stray orange tabby kitty who is totally defenseless.
Posted on: Fri, 01 Aug 2014 00:39:32 +0000
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