My son and family came to see us yesterday afternoon. I told them to bring swimsuits. Kathy and Scout came over, too. Had ourselves a little pool party for a couple of hours. It was a blessed relief, even if I had to ride herd on Little Mama. All that company got her anxious. She had to go out and look at everyone of them, which meant she wanted to walk to the pool, so Im holding on to her as we walk, and because theres company and she needs to appear capable and in charge in their presence, she spent the entire trip out to the pool slapping at my hands and arguing, wanting me to turn loose of her. Needless to say, I did not. So she was in a snit, said hello to everyone, insisted on standing outside to watch, but I made her stand in the shade. She lasted three minutes. We barely got her back in the house. Last night she came and sat down beside me and said she wanted to move. She needed to get out of the house so I could have time for friends and company. She wants me to find her a place of her own. I told her she couldnt live on her own anymore and that it would have to be like a retirement community. People would help her like Id been helping her... cooking her food, cleaning her room, etc. She still thought she should go, but the whole time she was saying it, I saw the fear in her face; silently begging me to keep her. And there you have it and shes still here. We shall see what the future brings. For days she has been convinced the house is full of children. She said shes exhausted from trying to keep up with them and wants them gone. I told her they were gone, just like Ive been telling her every time she mentions them, but she says different. This morning she said this house was nice, better than the one before; it had too many kids. I told her it was the same house weve been in for the last 8 1/2 years and I thought she was going to faint. She said she couldnt have been here all that time because she hadnt been dead that long. ODJ. I said, Mother, youre not dead. She gave me that glare. Well, they thought I was, but I proved them wrong. She is the ultimate survivor in refusing to die. I am braced for today. There is no other way to put it. Having a plan means nothing except trying to be the one in control. When plans go wrong its not your fault and theres no one who should be shouldering the blame. It simply means life took you to a place you didnt intend to go. Just because something bad is happening at the moment, doesnt mean it wasnt supposed to. It just means you werent expecting it. There are five stages of surprise. The first that you didnt know it would happen. The second that it changed what you wanted to do. The third that its caused you trouble and heartache. The fourth that you dont know what to do. The fifth is when you begin coming to terms and making decisions, and thats the true lesson in all of it.
Posted on: Sun, 06 Jul 2014 14:09:58 +0000
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