NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL YOU HAVE BECOME…FIND SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN I was about 21 years old and in my mind my life was pretty much over. I had just returned from my failed attempt at starting over in California. I was more lost than ever before…I couldn’t even get a break while drinking anymore…my restless mind caused a constantly fluttering stomach and a lingering feeling of not being able to catch my breath. This was a dark time for sure…looking back…I was absolutely clinically depressed. Why am I bringing this up now?...because I believe we learn from our own mistakes as well as others. I have no doubt that in many ways I put myself in that place…and I also found my own way out. I can say that the reason I sank so low was due to my being trans…and the reality is…it was a huge part of it…my gender confusion was all I ever thought about…it haunted me…made me feel like a weak piece of shit. That being said…it was my own choice to give up on school…my own choice to use occasional girlfriends to mask my true identity…and lastly It was my own choice to make myself numb, lye alone late at night, and listen to one depressing song after another…while I would embrace the emotions associated with self pity. Then someone gave me a wonderful gift…it was left on my bed…a gift that I mocked the person for giving me, cause I was too cynical and way too cool for that kind of shit. It was a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking. Now if any of you have read this…you probably know that it is extremely outdated, corny and pushes Christianity…that being said…it sparked my change…it’s why I am still on this earth…of that I am sure..I read it out of desperation…I chose to believe it…I had to believe something. After reading several times I moved on to Dale Carnegie’s How to make Friends and Influence People…I was on a roll and continued to seek out self help books…something I still do when I am feeling a bit down. I would like to say that I moved forward and never experienced depression again, but of course the issue I was avoiding wouldn’t let that happen…in my early 40s it returned…a life change had to be made. I made that choice knowing life would get more challenging…and oh yaeh, it has! But I still work at happiness by reading inspirational stories and listening to inspiring people like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Les Brown. I guess the point of this long post is this. We all post about our accomplishments and our happy moments…it’s sort of what Facebook is about…but I feel we should also share our struggles and let others know that being happy requires work. So, if you are in dark places right now…please know that so many of us have been there. And if I could give one piece of advice it is this…seek happiness not pleasure…and find something to believe in no matter how cynical you have become. “Warmest of Hugs” Jennifer
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 11:59:19 +0000
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