NOAH: Yes, this review comes with a spoiler warning. I felt like I had watched the end result of what happens when someone gets REALLY stoned, and decides to mix a classic biblical story with a fantasy/genre film like Lord of the Rings, while throwing in a pro-vegetarian/anti-meat, hippie twist to the film. I get that the story of Noah in the Bible is pretty short, but this bordered on bizarre. Noah has a vision that the world will be flooded, and everyone is going to die. So he takes his family and heads out. He ends up being chased by marauders into the forbidden zone which is full of these rock monsters that were angels cast down by God and subsequently fused with the earth. (yes, Im not making this up.) The rock monsters/angels kill every human they come in contact with because, well, theyre pissed off angels cast in stone. But one rock monster decides to help him. ( I should note the rock monsters look like they used CGI techniques from the 80s. They were very reminiscent of the original Clash of the Titans starring Harry Hamlin. I think they might have even been a mix of CGI and clay-mation. Remember that?) The other rock monsters are pissed, but then they change their minds and decide to help Noah too. So they all build the ark together, which ends up looking like a barge. (huh?) The king shows up, and of course he wants in, Noah says No. Prior to that, Noahs oldest son falls in love with Noahs adopted daughter whom Noah found when he and the family were on the run from marauders, and she was basically a little kid. Now theyre all grown up, and the eldest son and daughter start hooking up. Technically theyre not brother and sister, so its not really incest. Its still just creepy as shit. But everyone is ok with it because they have to re-populate the earth. Noahs other son, Ham, doesnt have anyone. Noah doesnt give a shit, so Ham goes into town to find himself a piece... uh, I mean a wife. He finds a girl, it starts raining, they head back to the ark, and the entire town follows them. The girl steps in a bear trap, (didnt think those were around in Noahs times, but ok), and Noah grabs Ham and leaves the girl to get trampled by villagers. Noah becomes a real dick from this point on. They make it back to the ark, the rock monsters kick the crap out of anyone trying to get in, (good rock monsters!), but the King somehow sneaks on board through a side window. As the rock monsters die, the angels inside escape and go back to heaven. (God decides to let them back in? Or maybe they should have just killed themselves eons ago, and they wouldnt have been stuck as rock monsters. Strange they didnt figure that out.) Prior to that, lots of animals showed up, but Noah and Co. put something in a burning pot and put them all to sleep. (I guess Noah was fond of weed.) (Im sure this was because no one wanted to do the extensive CGI that would have been needed to have an ark full of awake animals wandering around.) So all the animals are asleep on board, the flood happens, and everyone else dies. Noah then decides that even they are all supposed to die and the human race must end. But the daughter is pregnant. If she has a son, thats ok if its a girl, hes going to kill it. Turns out she has twins... both girls. Noah then becomes Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and chases them around the ark trying to kill them. Until he gets ahold of the girls, and then decides not to. Then the ark runs aground, the king attacks Noah with the help of Ham. (Message to fathers everywhere, when you cock-block your son, he may become homicidal towards you.) Noah kills the king. Everyone gets off the ark. Happy ending. Yay! The end.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 02:29:13 +0000
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