Nan texted me yesterday morning, i only get the tail end about hanging out, and i agree. Thinking it would just be the two of us. He, his wife, and best baby, were the last people i hung out with, and it was last Wednesday when i was at my worst. I really couldnt speak to them then, i sat with them in a Buddys BBQ and just did my best zombie impersonation. Last night was the first night i had actually hung with people since my birthday. He picks me up and as we get close to Beast Knoxville, he mentions that we are going to go ahead and meet up with some people tonight to pray. I start having a full on panic mode. I wasnt ready for this, i felt tricked and trapped. Nan told me he could put it off, but i knew deep in my heart that if i didnt go ahead and do it now, I probably wouldnt do it. We pulled up to Berean and the nerves really started hitting me. We found a classroom and me, Nan, ryan, Jon Farra and Nathan McKeehan, who was sitting in the most comfortable looking chair youll ever see, had basically a spiritual intervention for me. We prayed, we read scripture, I talked about the struggles, they gave advice, we sang. It kind of overwhelmed me that these men would give up their night to speak to me. They were in agreement that i needed to find someway to forgive myself, that I had to stop hating myself, and then I could finally let go completely and let God in to work on me. To finally fulfill my goal to become a more godly man, to become someone worthy of the friends i have, to finally become someone worthy of my God. November is the month where people are talking about people they are thankful for, here are my first four entries in that: Last night I got the proof i needed that Nathan and I are kindred spirits. He is the only person i know who can use the Hulk getting hit by a train to make a spiritual point. Back when i first started going to Berean, I remember having lunch with Melissa McKeehan and ranting about how i couldnt understand why her brother and I werent friends, because on paper we should be, like, best friends. But thankfully over the past year or so I have gotten to know Nate more and i thank God that i know him, hes an amazing guy, with the biggest heart. I love him. Last week when i was falling apart he reached out to me in text and i tried everything i could to push him away and he wouldnt let me. Nathanael Martin is another person that im thankful ive grown closer to. The second week i came to Berean, Nan made it a point to welcome me. He and Melissa were the first people at the church that reached out to me. I was so worried the church would be cliquish and that i wouldnt fit in. Nan took those fears away. Over the past few months Nan has helped me in more ways than he knows. I am BLESSED to know him. Is he still mean, yes. Is he still trying to force a nickname on me that I dont want? Sadly he is, but im okay with all that. At the end of the session, each man hugged me and gave me affirmation. Jon told me that i was the example the church uses when they talk about how they still are able to reach out and help guide people to the Lord, thats not his exact wording, but its the meaning. Jon let me know how much i meant to him and to the church. My knees got weak. Its so hard for me to accept love, and honestly my stupid brain had me believing that i didnt matter to anyone at the church, that it was all just out of pity. Jon let me see clearly the truth. Ryan Waller has the best heart. Hes an amazing guy. He has seen me at my worst, and i have said some of the most vile stuff to try and get him to leave me alone, to give up on me and to leave me to my thoughts. He hasnt. He has fought for me every step of the way during this struggle. He hasnt faltered. He is the kind of friend i hope to one day be to the people i love. Jon gave me the best advice (runner-up was Nate with the Hulk fighting a train story of course) that i needed to get over myself and start worshipping the Lord. Paraphrasing again, but its advice i plan to take to heart. This has been a long blog entry, but one final thing. At one point Jon suggested we sing, and I love the guys, but i can honestly say that BackStreet Boys and One Direction has nothing to fear. This is one boy band that will never come close to taking their crown. I think we all were singing in different tunes, but we all thought we were doing amazing. Ryan, bless his heart, was trying to go on runs. Maybe well have to get the band back together for family night in December. Our version of Amazing Grace might LITERALLY be the worst version of that song to ever have been sung. But seriously, i know the journey has just begun, i know that there are still going to be slip ups down the road, but im going to try my best not to forget the lessons i learned last night, im going to try my best to beat this struggle to let go of the hate and embrace God fully. Walk in the sunshine, ya know?
Posted on: Thu, 07 Nov 2013 16:05:03 +0000
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