Never imagined feeling like this.. I can say that I know what it feels like to want to end your life. To think that no one is going miss you. It would be easier for everyone if you are gone. To say that you didnt think about how others might feel or live after you died, is your worst lie. You do know how others will feel. How they will suffer. The pain you would cause. So you hold it in. You dont seek help, because how would that do anyone any good. Youre just admitting that youre not strong. Oh, how youd love to confide in someone but you probably never did or never could. To think of all these things throws a lump in your throat. Your stomach ties in knots. You have tears of pain that youll never let anyone see, at times you suck those tears in because no way are you going to break, even though you are already seeing yourself as broken. Life cant be this miserable but deep inside, you are. Your pain. Your darkness. Who do you tell? If you speak up, how are you to be treated. You know youre capable of snapping out of this feeling, so you do for every time you have to, but it stays with you. It lays in your throat & your gut, & as you see it in that moment it makes you sick that you are feeling this way. I can see how many self-medicate. I dont, but I can see how others do. Youre trapped inside your own mind. Youre trapped in this world & you dont want to hurt anyone, but you think that being gone can help others move forward & you know damn well thats not true, but you have this pain & this darkness that tells you differently. Torn between two worlds- the one you live in within your mind & the one that makes you stay here for others. You dont see staying here for you, just for someone else, so at some point the for someone else doesnt always make you stay. Hell, you see, or assume, that the anger someone has for you is causing you this feeling, whether its true or not. We dont want to assume, but we know what we think we see & what we think another feels for us... true or not. You go as long as you think you can, staying here for someone else. Then...then, what is it? What causes that breaking point? I want to say that I dont know yet, but I think I do. Just to write this makes me ill, but who I am and where I stand, I think I should write this because this is who I am. I write it & now I will share what I write with possible regret, but its ok and raw, & that is me. ~Author not disclosed.
Posted on: Sat, 01 Nov 2014 20:05:45 +0000
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