No. It is not a choice between him and you. That decision was made a really long time ago. Its Little M. Its the guilt of leaving a small child. The guilt of permanently damaging him for life. Me, mistakenly believing that it is you telling me to leave him for you when it is really innate telling me that I need to be free of this life to be happy. Free of the old, damaging ways of my unhealth. I need to let go of those long held beliefs of self-sacrifice, that giving up your self is what is best for a child. When I write that I hear how crazy that sounds. Giving up your life to make their life the most important thing in the world. Yes, they are important but not more important than me. Not so important that I need to give up everything I ever wanted to make them happy. My unhappiness will surely NOT make anyone happy. This reminds me of the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler and that beautiful woman whos name escapes me. Well this woman has a daughter and this woman is also in love with Adam Sandler, a very unhappily married man. Not your typical movie in a couple of ways. First, the part I like and respect is that they dont act on their feelings because he is married (his wife is cheating on him as well as making him miserable in other ways). The other way it is not typical and that I dont like is that, in the end, this woman decides to go with her daughter and leave Adam Sandler because she believes that her daughter (putting her daughters needs above her own) is the respectable and right thing to do. That never sat well with me. Not because its not the typical hollywood ending but because it seemed to me like she was doing the exact wrong thing by staying with her daughter. Her daughter was a teenager too and was offered a place at an amazing boarding school I believe. I dont know, I guess the woman wanted to instill the important values of family staying together and helping each other and that money cant buy happiness. What Im trying to say is, I dont think this woman should have given up her life for her daughter. She believed that the difficulty in life is giving up your needs to do the right thing for your child. That the easy way out would have been to send her daughter off to a school she didnt believe in to go with Adam Sandler. Well, maybe this was right for them but applying this to my life, I guess I am looking at it as I am taking the easy way out by going with you and leaving my child. That I chose to have this child and it is my responsibility to take care of him, regardless of what I need to sacrifice to do that. But that just destroys innate. Innate is saying that he will be fine, in fact, he needs someone better suited to give him what he needs to grow into a healthy person. That person is not me. I am not good for him. So the easy road would be to stay with him and to do that, it would make ME sick and him too. To leave him would be the best thing for him and though it will be a transition, it will make us both well in the end. The difficulty is in me staying strong to this viewpoint for both of our own good and in making sure he still feels loved and worthy as a person. Not that his mother left him because he wasnt worth it but she left him because he is SO worth it. And in so doing, I am not really leaving him but rather providing for him in the best possible way I know how.
Posted on: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 07:41:16 +0000
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