North Pole November 17, 2014 J. David Cox National President American Federation of Government Employees 80 F Street NW, Washington, DC 20001 CC:Witold Skwierczynski Since you and your employees are probably still upset about the recent lumps of coal that youve been getting, Ill give you a heads-up about whats happening up here. The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have taken the early retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Reindeer downsizing has been made possible through acquisition of technology in the form of a late model Japanese sled for the annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer is anticipated now that they have completed Technical Expert Interactive Video Training and will mentor the other reindeer with the help of two Management Support Specialists. Reindeer will attend weekly staff meetings in order to learn to work smarter, not harder. The first such meeting will include viewing of Who Moved My Cheese? A second meeting will be required, so a Psychologist can explain the video in great detail. Reduction in reindeer will lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. Not having to respond to unfavorable press will allow the Management Support Specialists to begin pulling lists and checking them twice. Rudolphs Technical Expert role will not be disturbed. Bennie The Brown-Nosed Reindeer has been shadowing Rudolph in preparation for assuming his role. The evaluation that Bennie can run as fast as Rudolph, but he cant stop as fast as Rudolph was unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context. As a further restructuring, todays productivity goals require the North Pole to continue looking for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas Cadre: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out work units forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens represent Eurocentric ethnicity. As they retire, we will target Asian song birds in order to gain bilingual bicultural diversity. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. Management Support Specialists are conducting an analysis to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Deputy Commissioner. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for privatizing with investment counselors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in Work Units Per Worker Year. Three geese will be retired, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new tally strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. The eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-consulting, a-mentoring or a-adjudicating. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest outsourcing this work to private industry. Meanwhile incumbent Lords-a-leaping will be designated as Leaping Support Specialists, because Congress has sought a reduction in the Lords-a-Leaping ratio. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. The eight maids-a-milking will playing cowbells during spike periods. Expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-representing), review is pending by a committee of Management Support Specialists. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive with the private sector. Should that happen, the Committee will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Pilot. We may end the Pilot and acquire an additional seven Management Support Dwarfs. Subordinate Claus Operations Supervisor By Direction of Santa Claus Compliance Copy to: Penalty Claus Management Support Specialist Transcribed but not read in order to speed mailing.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 06:30:49 +0000
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