O.K. Patience Brooks-Boudreaux just remember, you started it: Things you will never hear an Alabama fan say: _______________________________________________________ I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. I have reviewed your application. I hope this wasn’t tested on animals. Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight. I thought Graceland was tacky. I’ve got it all on the C: drive. Too many deer heads on the wall detract from the decor. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad. Trim the fat off that steak. Do you think my gut is too big? Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? Let’s go to the museum. No, I insist you have the last piece. I think we should get to know each other better first. _______________________________________________________ Test to see if you are an Alabama Fan _______________________________________________________ You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi. You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction. You think Possum is “The Other White Meat” You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. You think subdivision is part of a math problem. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’. You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph. You take a six-pack cooler to church You use a weedeater in your living room. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he’s got thirteen fingers. How do you sink a submarine which is manned by Alabama fans? Have a diver knock on the hatch. ___________________________________ The Tide were playing Tennessee. It was near the end of the game and Tennessee was ahead by 4. Someone threw a firecracker and the Tennessee team thought it was the gun and ran off the field celebrating. Three plays later the Tide scored and won!! ___________________________________ Some Tide were trying to scare the Auburn football team before the game and threw firecrackers into the locker room windows. The Auburn players lit them and threw them back! ___________________________________ Did you hear about the Tennessee student that transferred to Alabama? He raised the IQ of both schools! ___________________________________ A lucky Alabama fan won the Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn’t get it in one lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years. The Alabama fan erupted and said, “If that’s the case, then give me my dollar back!” ___________________________________ There was a group of Alabama science students that wanted to send a probe to the sun, but some Auburn students said that was impossible and that the probe would burn up long before reaching the sun. The Tide replied that they planned to send the probe at night. ___________________________________ Why don’t Crimson Tide fans eat M&M’s? They’re too hard to peel. ___________________________________ Did you hear about the Cessna airplane that crashed in a cemetery near the Alabama campus recently? Alabama search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and are still digging. ___________________________________ What do Crimson Tide fans think Cheerios are? Donut seeds. ___________________________________ I think that it is a shame the way you pick on the Tide. After all it was a Alabama engineer that invented the toilet seat. …of course a Tennessee engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle. ___________________________________ What do you call 144 Tide? Gross Ignorance! ___________________________________ Did you hear about the Alabama fan that broke his leg raking leaves? He fell out of the tree. ___________________________________ Why did the Alabama fan keep a coat hanger in his back seat? In case he locks the keys in his car. ___________________________________ A Alabama fan ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.” ___________________________________ Did you hear about the Alabama fan that got locked out of his car? He spent two hours trying to get his wife and kids out. ___________________________________ How do you keep a Alabama fan busy? Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper. ___________________________________ I bet you didn’t know that a Alabama fan invented the toothbrush. Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as a teethbrush! ___________________________________ How do you recognize a Alabama fan in a department store? He’s the one trying to slam the revolving door. ___________________________________ How do you know when a Alabama fan has sent you a fax? When there’s a stamp on it. ___________________________________ Why do they throw out a sack of manure at all Alabama fan weddings? To keep the flies off the bride. ___________________________________ Did you hear about the Alabama fan who was 2 hours late to class? The escalator was stuck…. ___________________________________ 2 Tide were attending a friend’s funeral. While viewing the body one Tide fan says to the other, “Gee, he looks pretty good!” The second Alabama fan replies, “He should, he just got out of the hospital yesterday.” ___________________________________ What about the Alabama fan whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was… ___________________________________ Did you hear what happened to the Alabama fan when he found out that 90% of all car accidents occur within 5 miles of home? He moved. ___________________________________ How many Crimson Tide fans does it take to change a flat tire? Just one . . . unless it’s a blowout, then they all show up! ___________________________________ Why did the Alabama fan get rid of his freezer? He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays. ___________________________________ Why can’t Alabama field an ice-hockey team? Everyone drowns in spring training. ___________________________________ Why can’t Alabama fan farmers raise chickens? They plant the eggs too deep. ___________________________________ What do you call a female Alabama fan who takes birth control pills? A humanitarian. ___________________________________ Why are rectal thermometers banned in Alabama’s campus? They cause too much brain damage. ___________________________________ Why did the Alabama team airliner crash? It ran out of coal. ___________________________________ What do you call a female Alabama fan with 2 brain cells? Pregnant. ___________________________________ Did you hear about the Alabama fan who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn’t have electricity? He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight. ___________________________________ How many Alabama programmers does it take to change a light bulb? They can’t, it’s a hardware problem. ___________________________________ How do you get a Alabama graduate off your front porch? You pay for the pizza. ___________________________________ How do you know when you are near Alabama’s campus? When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence. ___________________________________ Did you hear that Detroit was going to start putting the dimmer switch back on the floor in its new cars? The Tide kept getting their foot caught in the steering wheel.
Posted on: Tue, 22 Oct 2013 14:16:45 +0000