OK... I think... no... I KNOW that Im back in the right mindframe to do this... Since last night I was posting a lot of things airing out my problems and looking to vent... for the ones that were/are concerned about me... I wanted to make this post for you to let you know whassup and where Im at in my head and my emotions. First off I want to thank Amy Damarismommy Galicia, Aaliyah Gabriellesmommie Newbon, Tia Madison, Gina Lewis, and Kailoni Davis for either reaching out to me, just being there to listen, and most importantly, helping me place things into perspective, see things that I couldnt see before, and help me come to grips for what has been going on with me... Now for those of you who wants to know what has been going on with me as of late... I will let you know... maybe this will help someone going through the same issues or something similar... For the past 10 years of my life I have been dealing with a multitude of problems. Mainly depression. I never tried to actually find a way to solve it and I never understood why I was going through it. I thought it was because of my dad passing away when I was 14 but that wasnt the case seeing as how it set in when I was 16 and I been dealing with it off and on since. I thought the best way that I could deal with it would be just to not think about it and try and find many different things that I can do to take my mind off of it, all the mistakes that I have made, and etc. For the past 4 years of my life... Ive been dealing with even more things that made my depression even stronger. On top of the things that I have mentioned before... I have also been dealing with homelessness, financial instability, self doubt, etc. For the past four years or so... all I wanted to do was just give up... I just wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth. I didnt want to commit suicide but there would be some nights when I went to sleep I did not want to wake up the next day because I would have to go through it all all over again. And even in my sleep I could not find a peace of mind because even in my dreams all of these problems would attack me head on. When I left for two weeks to go to Texas... that was the greatest two weeks I could ask for... for once in my life I felt I knew what true happiness... true bliss... what it meant to have peace of mind. When I hopped off the plane and touched back down in Springfield... that happiness went away and it was back to regular scheduled program... going through what I been going through. Last night I went through something very small and very petty that brought all of those problems to the forefront and I just wanted to give up... Just go somewhere and die. However... after a very long conversation with my birth mom, I finally understand why I feel depressed and unhappy. I feel this way because Im growing and maturing... and Im trying to cling on to things that I have outgrown. Im trying to cling onto a thought process and a way of life that is not meant for me... never was. Im trying to hold onto friendships that I have outgrown and far surpassed. Im trying to carve my own path and make my own way in a place where I more than wore out my welcome. Even worse... Im still holding onto guilt that God has already forgiven me for... and beating myself up over things I can not go back and fix. I know what I need to do now... and for the very first time in 10 years... I can now feel the sun shining on my face. Its still dark, its still cold, but I feel it... I see it... and it feels good. So I wanna say thank you to every single person I have ever met in the past 10 years who have both helped me and hindered me... without any of you... I wouldve never been able to finally talk about this with someone... and wouldve never been able to get this figured out. Have a good night everyone... *Places mic on the floor... takes a deep breath... walks off stage with confidence*
Posted on: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 06:15:07 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015