OK, so I wakes me up this morning and get dressed, then compose prayers to 68 different Gods representing 12 different religions - hoping that at least one of them will grant me a miracle and allow the two buckets of bolts Im driving to pass an emissions check. As usual, when I jump in the Kia and twist the key it shudders to life as smoothly as a flash fire in an ammo dump. Somehow it makes it to the emissions place without blowing a head gasket. During the test, I sit outside smoking a contemplative cigarette, preparing myself for the worst. Eventually the guy comes out and nods towards me with a look of disbelief. The Kia passed! And neither of us could believe it. Now for the Hyundai... Back home, I get into the Elantra and wonder for the hundredth time if it will have to be jump started. I turn the key. The starter whimpers and grinds for almost two minutes. Just when I think the battery will keel over and drop stone dead, the car comes to life like a bucking mechanical bull in a redneck bar, belching a black cloud of toxic fumes. Somehow this fabulous bomb makes it to the test facility. Before the guy starts the test, he tells me he will give me a 50% discount if he can just give it a fail without bothering to go through the motions. Im tempted, but then I think, what the heck? I tell him to go ahead and give it a shot. I wait outside again. Im thinking, gosh, as big a steaming pile of human waste the Kia is, the Hyundai made it look like a late model Lamborghini. The seconds tick by as slowly as a parade of cripples dragging themselves towards the healing waters of Bethesda. This time the guy comes out and the look on his face is that of a man who had a first row seat at the Second Coming. He tells me hes going to close the shop, go home and apologize to his wife and kids for mistreating them all these years. With shaking hands he hands me the test results. The Hyundai passed! I almost wish it hadnt. Now Im going to have to live up to all the shit I promised God I would do if it did...
Posted on: Tue, 16 Sep 2014 20:03:09 +0000
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