OK: this will be my piece on aspects of mental health, TBI/PTSD, depression and anxiety. (all beasts that I am familiar with). I will try to keep too much humor out of this, but sometimes it is NECESSARY due to the onus and dark nature of all of it. There is no darker humor on earth than when you are amongst a group of TBI survivors. (dont worry, its all in your head) I wrote quite a bit and then deleted it all. It is profoundly difficult finding the proper introduction to this malady... and the motivation for even writing it. If it is just for ME, it is selfish. If it is for others, I am speaking out of my field of expertise. I guess I should start with the grosser symptoms of raw TBI. (PTSD data will come afterwards and profoundly complicates things.) TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury): there are many levels of injury, some leaves people in wheels chairs drooling away the rest of their lives as if dead. Some do indeed die. Some function well, but with some unusual glitches. (the man who confused his wife for his hat --- that is the title of a book that is unrelated, but exemplifies the NATURE and oddness of TBI symptoms.) My symptoms were particularly sinister because... well, I will skip all attempts at false modesty for the edification of this piece... here goes... when my injury first occurred (I was mugged by two men, one held me and pummeled my head while the other pummeled me with huge round house punches to the head. all in all, I was probably hit 50 times) I shook it off like rough housing, and decided to take the day off of work the next day because my whole head was so swollen. I didnt want to horrify my co workers. so I packed up my truck and heading six hours north to the adirondack mountains to bag my last 4 peaks of the adirondack 46 mountains over 4000 feet. (*bad decision #1) I am pretty good at wilderness things, and broke the number one rule of wilderness travel) Dont go alone. thats #2 I got lost in the snowy mountaintops, saw bear prints all over the place, the peaks were bushwacks and I got utterly, horribly lost (which never happens to me -- because I know how to use a compass)... and #3, I kept GOING. (when you get lost, you should ALWAYS stop and figure things out and make a PLAN.) I bagged all the peaks (ALONE), spent about 3 days up there camping in the snow, then headed home. Monday, i went back to work, and felt particularly out of sorts. My whole life has always felt out of sorts, but this was different. It was very hard to ascertain what was different, but something was. Of course, as a man, I decided to plow through it and shake it off. I think my work day was ineffectual and so was day two. then so was day three. and then I took thurs and friday off. I forgot to mention that before I headed up to the adirondacks, I went by my buddys house (who was a neurologist) and he said I had post concussion syndrome. I considered it a knot on the head, and blew it off. Luckily for me, he put me on strong anti inflammatory meds just in case. (after concussion, the brain continues to swell for 9 days, and THAT is usually where the worst damage is done...) Im not sure exactly how it happened, but I communicated to my boss that I needed to stay home for a while, and did not return to work. I had several deeply important commitments that I had not missed in MANY years, and started to loathe going to them. The train ride to them was an unbearable thought. Everything was a burden. I had never been depressed before, so I was concurrently unaware that I was also becoming depressed. As the loathing for travel outside the home increased, so did the need for more sleep. Then MORE sleep. then upon arising in the morning, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, weeping ... ALL DAY. 12 hours of weeping, then back to bed for 20 hours of sleep. This happened day after day, and it never occurred to me that anything was wrong. I guess I just figured I was going through something. Whether my inaction was due to the head injury itself, or to my maleness that did not want to trouble anyone regarding personal matters such as health, I will never know, but my spiral continued downward. At first, I tried to sustain the activities of my previous life. I tried to get out to AA meetings. I TRIED to talk on the phone. I TRIED to socialize. but eventually, all of those things became unbearable (in the TRUEST sense of that word.) I am a Herculean man in terms of drive, stamina, spiritual practice, etc. It is my pride and joy and conviction and very being, and it was eroding fast. Eventually, I was reduced to that weeping invalid and i was utterly alone. All my friends disappeared. My beloved AA family deserted me like rats off a sinking ship. They had no idea what I was going through, and neither did I. Miraculously, I met someone in an Art Chat Room online from San Francisco who had had a TBI and she told me that it sounded like what had happened to me was a traumatic brain injury and that I should seek medical help: HEREIN BEGINS THE HELLISH SAGA OF DISABILITY, ALONENESS, PAIN, DISENFRANCHISEMENT, ALIENATION, THE DOUBT OF MY FRIENDS, THE LOSS OF MY FRIENDS, THE DISENCHANTMENT WITH THE WORLD, THE IMPOTENCE OF THOSE SOCIAL AGENCIES DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE IN MY SITUATION, INCREASING DEPRESSION AND THE DEVELOPMENT OS A TOXIC ANXIETY, ETC. (I warned you that this was going to be LONG. Brace yourself, or go read about some kid who is really good at piano. :-) or some other facebook stuff) This is merely the tip of the iceberg. woe unto ye who enters this realm. :-) to be continued.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 21:53:08 +0000
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