ON FRIENDSHIP In contrast to the countless poems, novels, films, psychological analyses and sociologies dedicated to the ecstasies and pains of romantic love, there has been little reflection on the love embodied in friendships. After Aristotle, the most well-know account is C.S. Lewis portrayal of friendship as the least natural (from a biological point of view) and most unnecessary form of love, and precisely for those reasons, the most spiritual and precious. For him, friendship is about discovering a kindred soul to whom we can say What? You too? I thought I was the only one. He sees friendship as not about wanting the affection of companionship, but about having a vision of the same truth - whether that truth is expressed as common interests or shared ideologies and world-views. In his visual depiction, he portrays lovers as standing face to face, gazing into each others depths, while friends are standing side by side, gazing together at some third thing. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be … I dont care about the truth; I only want a friend, no friendship can arise…. There would be nothing for the friendship to be about. Although theres something compelling about elements of this account, on some level the whole just doesnt ring true to me. Friendships may start out simply as a desire for companionship, or out of of sharing common interests that are enjoyable, or from having a deeper sense of shared visions and world-views. But the essential thing about friendship is that, as with lovers, we stand face to face with them and gaze into each others depths. There doesnt need to be a third binding thing, as the external glue that holds friends together, and the friendship is often deeper when this third thing isnt the main point of attraction. When we love friends deeply, we value them for who they are as complete persons, for their idiosyncrasies and quirks, their beautiful virtues, their annoying habits, their smiles and laughter, their tears, and their unique style of expressing life. In C.S. Lewis vision, because friends are essentially united by a shared truth, they are happy when a third and fourth and fifth friend joins them in their common pursuit of that truth. This makes it sound like on some level friends are replaceable and interchangeable. But when we love friends as ends in themselves, as repositories of their own uniqueness, they are utterly irreplaceable. There is no seriality in close friendships, each friendship is a universe onto itself. We might be happy if a third and fourth and fifth joins the party, especially when there is a light feeling of gregariousness and fun, but we also value the intimacy of each singular connection, which is often deeper when shared in twos, standing face to face. (This is a fragment from an essay about friendship that Im currently working on).
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 19:03:17 +0000
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