Objection: Goat The Trial Of The Shaggy Bandit So you see, your Honour, Hammond stated, there isnt a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Jacobs was indeed present during the time of the theft. Eyewitness reports place him around the vicinity of the Neihart estate and the personal effects of the late Elenore Neihart were found on his person. He turned, glowering, to face the sweating husk of Louis Jacobs whose pigment had become a deathly pallour. There didnt seem to be any hope for Jacobs, whose guilt may well have been etched upon his now ghostly features. And even by you, Mr. Jacobs... he continued, his voice lowered to a mere growl as he addressed the quivering mess, ...you admit to having a longstanding feud with the defendant to the point of coveting not only the financial success of Richard Neihart, but have also harboured resentment toward the couple ever since he supposedly stole the love of your life! Its true! Louis cried, But I would never hurt her, I swear! Then what were you doing on their property at two in the morning, Mr. Jacobs? You had the motive and... Hammond paused to slam his fists on the witness stand, not once breaking eye contact with the accused, you had the means! Your honour, I call upon Exhibit A! The jury looked at one another as the bailiff looked from the collection of evidence to the judge with an apologetic shrug. The bloody rope had vanished and with it most of Hammonds credibility. Judge Mayberry coughed into the sleeve of his robes before cleaning his bifocals, setting them back upon his face with a somber malaise. Is Exhibit A ready for presentation, Mr. Hammond? Hammond had become completely bewildered as his eyes searched the now bare table that once held a great number of submitted pieces to clinch his argument. I dont understand... he mumbled, ...it was all there. The death threats, the rope, the stretched articles of Elenore Neiharts lingerie with Jacobs DNA... The defense chewed nonchalantly as he paced back and forth behind his desk, more interested in balancing himself on his seat so he could lap at his glass of water. A small hempen thread clung to his beard as he sated his thirst. It was that...that goat! Hammond shouted, his fist raised towards the defense attorney with malice and disdain, I know it was him! The jury began to mumble among themselves, uttering such things as What kind of a man threatens an animal? and Look at him, he thinks hes a person! Thats so cute! Judge Mayberry had enough and smashed his gavel. Mr. Hammond! I will not tolerate any manner of prejudice in my courtroom, especially against a fellow champion of justice! His hands folded in front of him as he rested his chin atop his knuckles, Now, where is this supposed evidence? He ate it! Hammond exclaimed, Theres no other explanation! That goat must have ate it! The goat had grown tired of his attempt to drink out of the glass and saw fit to simply overturn the chalice and lap it off the desk before him. It proved to be significantly easier and he was pleased with the result. How is a goat a lawyer anyway?! he asked in a shrill and heightened fervor. You know the law, Mr. Hammond! Mayberry replied, Anybody that passes the bar my practice law in this fine province and that goat has indeed met those qualifications. It was true, of course, that the goat had managed to pass the bar through pure happenstance. He had wandered into the testing facility and began to chew on a pencil that lay atop the papers and, by some strange coincidence, had managed to come out of the experience with the only portion that hadnt been correct being the spelling of his own name. So it was that Billy became a fully accredited attorney who worked cases Pro Bono and had yet to lose a single case thanks to the mysterious disappearances of key evidence. Billy was satisfied with the arrangement as he could eat a free meal whenever a trial came to pass. Now, he continued, if you dont have a solid case and you choose to be so blatantly hateful towards your opposition, I have no choice but to throw this out of court. Case dismissed! he proclaimed, once again smashing his gavel to cement the verdict. Damn you, Billy... Hammond seethed, ...one of these days Ill find a way to best you...one of these days...
Posted on: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 06:01:53 +0000
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