October 9, 2013. My then 23 year old daughter had to take me to the oral surgeon because I needed a procedure which required Michael Jackson style sedation, so I needed a driver. She was not happy, as she is a nurse and deals with this stuff all day long, but I wanted her there to watch Mr. Anesthesia, for exactly the same reason as Michael Jackson should have had someone there watching Dr. Conrad Murray, plus, I know he would be so pissed about it if he knew he had died, because of his slight miscalculation of this obvious remedy. He could have hired the entire staff of M.D. Anderson to watch him. (It was my birthday also, and did not want to die, but considered it, because my obituary would be totally confusing.) I have to regress a little and repeat what I posted in October, pre-dental surgery. When I was a kid, it took ONE DENTIST to do everything. It was rinse, spit, and do you still feel that? Now it takes a minimum of 3 people to accomplish exactly the same thing. Oral Surgeon, to pre-medicate you at home with a pill that would knock out the elephants on Noahs ark. Spritzer lady to shoot water in your mouth. Suction Lady to suck it out. Anesthesia man to slide the needle with the Official Michael Jackson collection of PROPOFAL in your arm, and mean and hateful Billing Lady (to make sure you dont somehow slip out in your comatose state, and not pay them) who has already explained why this costs $20,000 etc...and my insurance wont cover it. (Then every time they change their gloves, its another 800 bucks.) When you leave, they give you a huge prescription for painkillers, which you do not need, as the procedure took care of the pain. (But we all go fill it anyway) and then six months later you are in Re-hab, and the dentist and the psychiatrist probably get a cut of this money also. Then it is time for another cleaning and the whole cycle starts all over. (I am so on to them) Well, its kinda like that lather, rinse and repeat thing on those stupid shampoo bottles, like anybody really does that... So, wonderful daughter shows up at my house at 5am that day and had a look on her face that was not exactly encouraging, (I think the oral surgeons like to do these things really early so they can have a great lunch at the country club, and get in a good 18 holes of golf before they go home to their miserable lives.) By this time, I was flying on the pre-medication, and had dressed the best I could while being in a semi-coma. She took one look at me and said in that imperious tone she has SO perfected...(She says the word SO before everything, like, That concert was SO sick mom! Which for a few years, I assumed she hated it, but it really means fantastic. I need to learn millennial-speak. I wonder if there is an app for that)...MOTHER! (That means she is serious when she says mother.) Seriously, (She says that word a lot also, and the word like) you are SO not LIKE, going to the dentist in THAT dress are you? I said slurring, Of course I am, unless you want to dress me. Well, the look of disgust she had on her face should be patented, so all you baby-boomers who do not have 23 year-olds, can just order it on QVC, or be a judge on Shark Tank, just to quell their curiosity of what hell is really like. When we got there, just before they put me under, I heard her voice say this... (She thought I was out cold, as the needle was in my arm) Guys, (Since she got her RN, she thinks she is on equal par with brain surgeons.) I am so very sorry about the way my mother is dressed. I am SO, LIKE, very embarrassed, she must have thought it was Stevie Nicks goes to the Dentist Day. My last thought, this side of oblivion was, What FRESH HELL is this? For the follow-up surgery, I told her I was going to Jamaica. Had a friend take me, and went to the cleaners two days ahead of time to get my Stevie Nicks goes to the Dentist Dress. I really believe in that forgiveness thing in Christianity. It comes in very, SO LIKE, SICK, RIDICULOUSLY handy, (She and my son say that word) and redeeming, because sometimes you just have to deal with your own children.
Posted on: Sun, 25 Jan 2015 08:20:47 +0000
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